Releasing.

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How much I hold inside of me.
How much I carry on my back.
How many burdens I let dwell on my shoulders.
How many lifetimes of guilt and shame I have allowed to have a life of themselves deep in my heart.

Upon reflection, I realised that my body has manifested certain conditions to embody certain patterns in my consciousness, in order to activate the need for healing. I’ve witnessed the ovarian dysfunctions, gut problems and thyroid under-activity, and they were all compassionate messages from my body that whatever I was doing wasn’t working to heal my scars.

My heart beats ecstatically when I envision a life away from the regulations of modernity, every day a creative endeavour and a flowing current in the direction of life’s cycles. A day that is harmonious, a little cut out from ‘to-do’s and near to instructions derived from open loops of feedback, present in the here and now. Something in me shifts when I consider the possibility of creating something every day— an experience, a new doorway for love, a loving act of kindness or a timeless piece of poetry or whatever artful gift that knocks on the doors of my heart. Deep in my soul, I know I was meant to live a life of generosity, reverence and ultimate softness— everything my childhood was not.

But I’m grown now, right? I’m not that helpless child anymore. Besides, I’m the adult my inner child needs. I’m empowered to make choices that serve its healing, so that I live with inner peace and a state of surrender. My body has conspired ways to take my hands towards more receptivity, love and intuitive ways of living— and when I resisted, all I got was stuckness and dis-ease. It’s incredible and miraculous to even consider how beautifully compassionate this universe is. Life is always telling us what to do, and there are many answers already there, closer than we think. The miracle is to open our eyes well enough to receive the light from places that were once so dark and somber.

Yesterday on the ride home, I envisioned how it would be like to be in the company of my three-year-old self. She was asking many questions and I responded graciously with a warm smile. Yet, when the time came for her to sit on my lap so that she could see the window, I felt an incredible pain within me of wanting to be away from her. The way she was too near to my body reminded me of my imperfections, and I fell into a withdrawal so unexplained. This random imagining has unlocked how one of my greatest fears is to get intimate with others, as they would be close enough to see my imperfections that I love hiding.

It also awakened me to the fact that in the summer of 2017, my body created all those difficult symptoms of feeling bloated, retaining water and unexplained digestion problems which just came out of nowhere. It was the time when I was supposed to be close to my sister, hugging her, sleeping next to her, enjoying being intimate. But I received all this resistance from my subconscious to unveil the patterns that reside deep within— that I’m particularly unloving and judgemental towards myself. It was such a difficult summer, and I remember how it pained me to be in so much conflict.

I also remember how my body created experiences to punish myself after the summer of 2018, when I felt so bad for wanting to keep living in Poland. When I returned to Egypt, I instantly experienced devastating gut issues, menstrual problems and overeating patterns— all this just to punish myself as I used to be punished before, when I was young.

In the end, it always self-love that is the saviour in such situations. Always the notion that… I don’t even need to punish myself. I don’t need to be harsh. I don’t need any of this. With this one realisation, all those debilitating conditions simple dissolve into thin air. I know this as it happened to me, and I almost couldn’t believe it.

Today, I release the need to create experiences that solely serve the purpose to be unloving to myself. I release the need to feed my fears and conditions which I do not need anymore. I look to myself in the eye ever so intimately and tell myself to release it all, to let it go and to embrace myself with an unconditional softness and ease when treating myself and my inner child.

I see now that the most thing I fear is perhaps what I need the most. It is intimacy and limitless vulnerability and humility. Perhaps it is the openness to accept and approve of myself unconditionally, to be loved without reason, to create circumstances that gift me instead of shamefully repress receptivity to life’s gifts.

I have been blessed and gifted by God with love, so much of it, that it follows me wherever I go. Yet, it could fade into thin air, and I could angrily push everything away once I start considering the idea that I need to punish myself and loathe my existence. I could do it. But, would I?

I wouldn’t, not after the wondrous miracles portraying themselves so effortlessly before me. Oh, I have seen how healing love is. And now, all I need is to love myself just the same. To remain intimate with myself and my inner child, to nurture and stay soft and unconditionally loving, which may also mean that I’d have to say no to certain things I do— like find ways to seek validation, putting limits around social media and rather pushing myself to connect to others. Simply put, I need to be my own caring lover, who unconditionally and selflessly loves.

I release the need to punish myself. I release the need to validate and prove myself to others. I release the need to withdraw and isolate myself from intimacy. I approve of my wholeness and the way my life has unfolded to grow my heart to intense healing and selfless love.
going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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