Knowing, All This Time.

I want to share a little entry I had written back in May 2017, titled “Knowing”.

“Do I choose the obscurity? 

My heart tells me to. My heart tells me to choose what's mysterious and thrilling and let go of the securities in everyday life. It's hideous to acknowledge the fact that our life is based on numerous versions of security; of food, health and wellness when in fact, we all know that those are the things we will lose first, given the circumstances.

Oh, societies are such fickle structures, defying reality's common sense. Perhaps the stability we dream of is what disappoints us, leads us to make compromises for so many years, awaiting success and peace when all we get is a burning yearning sensation in our hearts, asking us when we shall stop securing? When shall we let things be?

But there are things like love, courage and faith that acquire the spontaneity. And those are moments when we experience sleepless nights, not ready to let go of things we kept secure, in order to make our values in charge of who we are, instead of the materialities reigning our mindsets.”

How do I express my shattered heart, annihilating in the light of a heart that had felt too deeply about the essence of earthly, human life?

It takes me back to recurring conversations I’d had with my companion, how we keep asking to be reminded of the sacred when pursuing our most tangible and material paths. Here we are, choosing riskier roads of going forward, and it still feels ultimately secure and safe, perhaps the only shadows blocking the light are our own doubts and false adaptations to uncertainty, scaffolded by what we have learned from the world all along.

I keep encountering the visions of authenticity in my headspace all the time, and how indefinitely uncertain my trajectory would be. There would be those moments at work where they’d ask, “who would prepare a lesson that applies xyz strategy?” I’d linger in a moment of determining what exactly is the strategy I follow— possibly a nameless, unidentifiable one that revolves around obtaining timely feedback, and situating my presence in the background of every child’s inner world to capture modes of development and holistic learning.

I see it now, that I’ve chosen a life path that cannot be systemised nor even phrased precisely. Maybe, in time, scaffolded experiences would rise in meaning, just as life does. It is excruciating to judge a soul’s destination in formative years without considering the evolving intentions that would mould it. And so, I see my mission as vague and nebulous for now, but it shall acquire depth and formation with every passing year.

I find is rather debilitating to truly explain and illustrate the mere notion that a learner who bullies everyone, cannot sit still and is punished every single lesson (including mine)— all answers are hidden in his physical body, which crystallises ailments of the spirit. His curls, thinness, narrow eyes and reckless movements indicate that he is searching for richness and inner groundedness. He uses his hands, whooping and hitting, and it only means he longs to use his hands for richer and more beautiful purposes, yet was not given the tools in his younger years.

I do not know how to explain a strategy that would cure such ailments and heal this imbalance. It requires trial and error, artful interactions and heart-to-heart windows between the child and the educator. Such methods would not be the idea you’d find in a curriculum or manual.

Now, I am least concerned with shifting workplaces, perhaps only for the intention to grow financially if only I need to. The pressure of becoming skilled in all the trends out there— differentiation, hybrid learning, Kagan and so forth— weighs on me a little. I see it ridiculous to follow blindly certain agendas which may have proved essential in a certain educator’s experience— but a classroom’s experience cannot be systemised, or else children are doomed to fall into robotic and lifeless learning which does not engage the spirit. The educator’s presence must be well-rounded and connected— authenticity is dominantly what removes the source of all listlessness and torpidity.

I must say I have not achieved my apex of authenticity just yet. There are times when I am eluded, and I fail to connect to my innermost wisdom regarding what to do. It takes me some time to reflect and truly see in my heart what I should have done. But that is called learning, and that is perfectly fine.

I set the intention to dedicate time for ardent veneration to map out patterns to discover further the magnificence of educating minds, hearts and spirits. I hope that overflows with grace and magic to my other connections just the same and fills me with unmatched reverence and love for all humans.