If We Ever Separate.

I know I keep writing too many narratives about life. Fictitious narratives on love and grief give life so much meaning and they somehow capture the essence of each and every little experience. While walking in the streets last evening, a vision fell onto my lap. A vision that truly made me let out a few fat teardrops that were silent enough for no one to notice. It was a story so saddening and sorrowful, but I'll write it out anyway. Years forward, it could make sense.

Despite making up all those dreams for a beautiful life, I know it is not without grief. Sometimes I wonder if all those dreams would just become reduced to mere pictures and words when the foreordained sequence of events comes to play. Dearest one, I must admit that I envision losing you sometimes.

I imagined how it would be if one day, you just weren't here. I imagined how it would pierce my heart with excruciating pain. I imagined how I would not manage to hold myself up from being struck by the notion that you're gone. A hole, a vast hole, would just quickly swallow everything my heart had ever wished for and the entirety of it would collapse upon itself, leaving me with an abyss of blackness, an abyss of unexplored space that can never be touched.

I have felt this before when one moment my sister and mother were here and in the other were gone. But that's different, at least I could hear their voices through the phone. But death cuts everything off, it cuts all strings, it leaves you with everything and nothing at once. I know it would hurt me so much. I know it would hurt to imagine a world without you.

Eventually, when the shock subsides, I'll see God's lesson. I'll see everything that blinded me before. Barriers will collapse, and what was delayed and put off would be made urgent and important. I see myself doing everything and being the imprint that you left in the world. I would be the person you were dying to be. I would do the work you always wanted people to receive. Oh, dearest... I would strive to make you alive just as ever. I would walk around the earth with your name echoing around me just so that I carry you wherever I go.

Every February, I'd buy chrysanthemums and lay them on your headstone, for it was what you would do if you were here. I'd talk to you about the things you loved to hear. I'd cry, missing you, at last, feeling no shame. I'd write you letters, send them to your email and read them aloud. I'd pray for you just as intently as I did when you were here. I'd carry you in my heart, lifting me up to my highest self. We thought we might rule the world, but we didn't make it, dearest. But I love you the same.

I would see every child as your own. I would leave the love you would have left in their hearts. I would even study an economics book just to prepare for the workshop you always dreamed about. I'd make furniture and plant jasmine every summer. I'd spray cinnamon in the air just so that it feels like having you near, to never forget how it felt in my soul when you were here.

I know this is far away from moving on. This is against the rules of moving on from grief, but I know I'd be selfless then. I know it wouldn't matter anymore, all those petty things I would care about. I know I'd be readying myself for the truth, the truest home, where I'd see you, my love. I know I'd live every day knowing it could be my last, and so how would I like to meet you when it's foreordained? I'd like to meet you with every beam of love you have shined into my life. Oh, dearest.. time would then run so fast, patiently revered, and patiently spent just to meet your eyes and your smile again.

My love, I let you go. Death is the truest home. It brings tears to my eyes just to think of it, but I need to. I need to ready my soul for the intense transformation that would follow you not being here anymore.

I'd miss you, a kind of missing that transcends the confines of the heart and reaches out to speak in every action, every move, every step I'd take. I know I would be nothing but love, my dear. I pray it goes your way.

Missing you feels this way, at times. It feels like readying my heart to meet you by surging all the love I have in me to the outside, just to reach out, just to bring you closer and meet you on the wavelength we have found each other on all along.

My love for you is infinitely and timelessly strong. I have never felt this before, and I'm not sure how to explain this precisely. I'm sorry if it would have to be me who would leave first. I'm sorry if I left this earth too soon. But I know in my heart that I'd be with you, looking upon you, telling the angels stories about you, hoping they'd guide you, dear.

I'm being all naive right now, you could say. Perhaps I'm taking this far too far. It's always been my ailment- feeling too much. This could, too, be my gift, and so I let it go and write it down just to make the ends of those wires meet.

If we ever separate, my dear, know that you'd leave behind the best side of me, the side you have brought to light, the side which you have chosen to love. 

I will love the world with your timeless love.

The best part of it as I do not need death to remind me of what you have left behind. Today is home, in which all uncertainty collapses and takes form. And so I walk through this life carrying your light.

I will see you in heaven, truthfully.