The Root of My Fears.

Insecurity is a vast word, but it is exactly what defines the landscape of my fears. In truth, the essence of everything I am afraid of, everything which makes me jump compulsively or daydream vacantly is always insecurity.

I caught it by the roots this evening. I caught this tightness in my chest and swiftly drifted to my mind, and what it was that I was thinking was the notion of feeling so insecure within my own self. Inadequacy, insufficiency and imperfection were voices so feeble yet intentional, and they twist a cobweb of fear into everything I do without clearing it up. 

It's beautiful how imperfection doesn't exist and is only an illusion. The truth is that everything is perfect. Even the most catastrophic events are perfect consequences of choices we make, and in that sense, nothing really goes wrong in life. Loss, illness and powerlessness are surely devastating, but they are perfect manifestations of the learnings we need to go through in our lifetime.

I feel so worried at times that I'm imperfect and not ready. I fear that I make blunt mistakes and am not learning fast enough to spread my light. At those times, it feels better to be alone, isolated and withdrawn into a cocoon of delusional patience. Of course, it is not patience, because it has little to do with surrender.

I find the notion that all is perfect quite empowering. Even the bitter consequences are perfect because I was not aware to make a better choice. The consequences I Iive with this are products of intentions I made, and so I have two choices: to resent not having known better or surrender to the consequence and enter a new reality of learning and growing wisdom, where the consequence acts as a shifting mechanism for a different, more grounded and aware life.

And so, there is no reason to feel insecure when there is surrender. Yet, in the midst of surrender, I get this sudden fear that I am not ready to receive the impact of flowing with life so presently. I risk losing all the disintegrated, timely parts of myself that are fixated on so many things, things that define the future in terms of specific, certain things. We all know, however, that the only safe and true place is uncertainty.

With time I bask in the truth that timelessness is healing. When I do surrender and trust with all my might that the choice to learn and stay present to the unfolding of life is what is best, I rest my soul and guide it home, to the hereafter, to the timeless, where all I deserve is awaiting. When I do surrender and let go that every moment is significantly everything I need, gaps between the very words I am writing feel luminescent and teachable. At least, in the presence of this moment, even when I abstain from making intentions and choices, it is reverent and safe, imposing no harm whatsoever. In the presence of this moment, I surrender to receiving unearthly guidance when appropriate, and that is beautifully reverent and graceful.

The door insecurity opens for my soul is in essence humility. The path of love and wisdom in this is to be humble enough to get down and deep to the frightened, splintered parts of me that demand attention. Most of the time, this insecurity is simply calling for remembrance that guidance is inevitable. The barren branches of winter soon are guided by warmth and lingering sunbeams. Guidance is inevitable with all forms of life, and all I need to do is simply open my eyes.

I am not enough when I am separated from the notion that I can learn through every imperfection the lesson of perfection and lose myself in the path, allowing my light to swell in love for how compassionate and forgiving the present moment truly is in terms of love. 

I sleep tonight knowing that I'm safe, and it's like a warm embrace. I'm not alone when I'm in love.