Reigniting My Heart's Light.

I have written about emptiness perennially, over and over again until I memorized how it felt like to have a heart that is chipping off, rusting, losing its glowing vitality, leaving the inside unprotected and vulnerable.

I took my time feeling this pain. The accomplice was surprisingly anger, frustration, and hatred. I did feel hate towards so many things in my life; the neighbors which made no effort to beautify the block we live in, the dreary governmental decisions and bureaucracy, the monotony in our home, and the outbursts of aggression I have to deal with almost every day. I spent some days completely silent, talking only when necessary, slowing down every moment, aggravating the pain, and strengthening its accompanying, infuriating narratives.

But then, I chose to be grateful, not only for the things I have but the things I don't have at the moment. I chose to believe in a future in which I have everything I currently lack; family, close friends, adventures, proximity to nature, and perhaps, crowning all the former-- love.

I think that sometimes when darkness dims the light of our horizon, it's hard to believe in the possibilities which exist for us, in the very near future. It is difficult to imagine ever being happy and whole again. The only thing I can attest is that, we are beings of light, and darkness of the soul is never a perennial state but one that ebbs eventually, allowing the true nature of our being to come to life, and that it is to shine and emit frequencies of human light. 

I think gratitude rekindles the very first flame of this light. It acknowledges and ascertains the existence of blessings, sources of joy, and love in our lives, which naturally fade but ever do appear again. I wake up every day now with a smile on my face, writing down things I wish I could be grateful for, or rather I believe I will be grateful for in the future. I write that I am grateful for being near a soothing ocean and an evergreen meadow, being near people I love, radiant health, going on adventures, laughing, and conjuring up exciting dreams. The thought that a day could come on which I'd feel so whole and loved reignites the light and makes me delicately thankful for this possibility alone, and so I live for the next hours, completely at peace with my reality.

I know that it is painful to ever consider gratitude when things are messy, dark, and lonely. It is quite impossible, actually, for what can you find in the dark but nothingness? This nothingness is a perfect vacuum that stirs up the most abhorrent thoughts that exist in our very depths; it depletes our energy, drains our hearts, pins us down, descends our spirit to the very ground.

But, if you find yourself a little bit hopeful today or any day, I suggest that you feel grateful for the things you cannot find in the darkness. I suggest that you write down all the things you miss and wish for, wholeheartedly. With time, you shall find a flame rekindling in your soul; a flame of genuine hope and belief in possibilities. And this is perhaps the truest source of manifestation and beautiful dreams coming to life in the very near future.

Joy and love are not things you can create when it's all dark and somber. It just cannot happen. Dreams come true, not when you're lying down on the floor, sobbing, dreading and fearing. Dreams come true when you're soaring with excitement that they might as well just come true.

I am sorry if you're feeling down. I am sorry you're going through this. But, this is necessary, this pain... you're not alone. Only you can reignite the flame within you. Only you will choose that the only way is through and come out of it alive. 

I will be the first to tell you when I do just to make you believe that hope does exist.