22.

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Today, I turn 22. I can't believe a year had passed since turning 21 for, in retrospect, I could count the milestones of my 21st year on my fingertips. I must say it was one of those tumultuous, spiraling years. My 21st wasn't calm and kind, but pressuring and alerting. Every day was some kind of wake up call of some sort, shedding some light upon what I keep ignoring.

But I won't talk too much about my 21st year now that I have a whole year to dream of. Oh, it's going to be so intricately different in every way possible! I might be graduating soon, working as an English teacher for fifth graders, and experiencing this very new and bright beginning. I have been thinking of this day since high school, and I must say none of those sleepless nights were taken for granted. All of the puzzle pieces are starting to fit now, all of those unattached passions and ideas have come to know their place and I'm quite ready to start fathoming the bigger picture.

It's a rough start for my 22nd year for sure. I would have loved celebrating it near a calming sea or a wild, blossoming meadow, witnessing the early sunrise. I would have loved being with my family, the people I care most about. But well, I'm not. I'm starting to decipher that now, even start to accept it a little? Well, I don't know.

I think I want to live my 22nd year genuinely. I want to enliven the meaning of grace. I want to be me for once and not dread it. I don't want to be scared of who I am. I just want to shift gracefully into my true mold, like a willow tree shapes its branches with the spirals of the wind. Even though I would have loved experiencing relationships and deepening my meaning of love, but it's not the right time. I'm not ready. All I want to do is work hard, make so much money and enliven my dreams. I want to travel, write and spread value and I hope my 22nd year opens all doorways for those beautiful paths-less-travelled-by. I want to make a difference being the educator I have always dreamed to be.

And I have to come to accept that for now, the most important people in my life are my family. I tried to ignore it, but something keeps taking me back to how much I adore my family. I would very much like to compensate for the years we were torn apart. I want to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and that somewhere is with my family. 

I want to know how strong I am. I lived my childhood being defined as weak and of no character, but I know I'm not. I know I am strong and have such a fine, fiery will that cannot be extinguished. I want to test the strength of my waves to create the life I have always dreamed to have. My 22nd year is a new beginning. It's the scaffolding of all the ripples I have sent out to swim and float all of those years of self-discovery.

I want to know whether I can be respected. I want to know whether I am a leader or not. I want to know whether I can healthily function in this funny adult world being the child I am. I want to know whether this child in me can continue to live and create despite the pressures. I want to know whether I can create a safe haven for my true self.

I know that my fatal flaw is that I always feel that something is missing. Something inherent and so intimate that I cannot describe. Sometimes, before I sleep, I just wonder what it is. Perhaps this missing space is an honest vacuum, it is deemed to be unknown and cryptic, perhaps only validated with love.

Love. 

I am not ready to love. I feel like my heart has encapsulated itself defensively. All it wants to do is love the present moment and fight its way through. I just can't love anyone except for my family now, whenever I imagine to, it just weakens and breaks. In my 22nd year, I will love whoever my heart tells me to love. I needn't pressure it anymore.

My 22nd year will be a breath of fresh, mountain air. It will be abundant and rich and most importantly, genuine. For God's sake, I just want it to be genuine.

I am grateful. I am flawed and there is a vacuum within me, but I am grateful. It's going to be okay. Happy birthday, Soraya.

P.S: perhaps in my 22nd year, I'll discover my star best friend (because I am a star, too).

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