Giving In.

Yesterday, I finally received some news which I was waiting for restlessly since, without it, I would be so unsure of my future. Since it's my last year in university, it's a requirement for me to take my exams, and they were just being delayed and delayed and delayed.

I thought for sure, I'd be over with it by mid-June, like any other year. I prayed and prayed and hoped and dreamed just to keep myself hopeful, to keep myself going.

Yesterday was the day I knew that I'll be examined in July. The news weighed me down as soon as I heard it. My face turned pale and ghostly and I kept thinking about how painstakingly trialing it would be. To spend a month in Egypt? At home? Waiting? That's exactly what I was not born to do: wait.

For a moment I was going to isolate myself and lock my mind in the darkness of it all. But, I decided to be vulnerable with one of my dearest friends. We talked and rambled and found opportunities. I talked about my anxieties and closed my eyes and breathed till the pain went away for a while and I was able to think clearly.

What is this trying to teach me? 

I don't know if I ever said it before here, but I'd like to tell you why those trips to Poland mean so much to me. There was a time in my life where I was wrapped up in a shell of extreme self-hate and veiled around notions of unworthiness. I was so convinced that I could never be loved because I was utterly worthless, fatally flawed, devoid of inner beauty. I was battling depression and my hypothyroidism symptoms which made it even harder. Yet, just one trip to Poland in the summer of 2014 smashed this shell into pieces. The warm embrace and unconditional love I was soaked in by my mother and sister were healing and every day, I was wondering if this was real. I was loved. I was honored. I was hugged and kissed and for a person who did not even believe in such a thing as love, it was happening to me.

I came back to Egypt that year knowing things had to be different. Light started shining in me in the name of love, setting me free, giving me different eyes so that I could see that I was worthy of living. I was worthy of discovering who I was and I was filled with this energy and enthusiasm to unlock my potentials and put my strengths into practice. It was miraculous and my life took a different course afterward; a life dedicated to creating dreams and ideals and manifest them into real life, a journey fueled by love, grace, kindness, and faith.

Thus, every summer is a reminder. It's a reaffirmation that I am loved. When my sister smiles at me and paints for me beautiful pieces of art as gifts, when my mother buys me my favourite fruits and plans trips to beautiful places with me, I feel loved. I feel appreciated. I feel the light amplify and I come back a better person, more grounded, more faithful in love.

That's why I want to go. But this summer, it might not be happening as I want it to.

Back to the question: what is this trying to teach me?

It's teaching me to love myself without depending on anyone. It's teaching me to find my inherent strengths and light without waiting for someone to do it for me. It's teaching me to relax into the thought that I am loved, deserve to be loved, because I'm okay and there is nothing wrong with me.

I teared up thinking about it and excitement swelled inside me. It's truly an opportunity, hidden and disguised, but here is the truth. Here is me transforming into an adult, nurturing my inner child that is still wounded, still seeking validation and comfort. But I'm right here, and I'm ready to give it love, give it wisdom and care and support.

The coming month may be filled with uneasy times, because this is how it has to go, but I think I'm excited for them. My friend and I constructed a new reality to substitute airplane rides with gentle days spent at home, learning new things, creating something beautiful, and exceptional.

I'm working on my own novel and my friend's book which is leading me towards my inherent passion for literature and arts. I haven't been exposed to literature lately, and I found some professional courses to keep up with to delve into it and explore my share in the world of literal and metaphorical expression. I still do have to study, but gently. I have all this time to create a new reality for myself which is such a spectacular creative endeavor in itself.

And who knows? By the end of next month, I might be so full of love, so full of light that I give in to my new reality and truly submit to it. And that's when transformation happens, based on my experience. Whenever you build yourself up to accept a new reality and grow into its opportunities, that's when life serves you its gifts. All we need is to truly be humble, let out guards down, and think beyond our ego and wants. We need to give in and find the precious lesson offered behind the scenes.

I'm giving in. No airplane rides for me, and it's okay. I'm on an airplane ride in my heart, journeying the passions I have never unlocked. I'm really excited, smiling, and authentically not trying to pretend that it's going to be okay. 

It's going to be okay. I intend to receive the opportunities with an open heart.

If you're going through a similar experience, you need to fill yourself with some humility and be aware of what this circumstance is trying to test you for. What is this experience trying to change in you? What must you surrender and relax to? What are the thoughts that you must quit fighting to feel at peace?

The most difficult thing is to stare at your disappointment right in the face and affirm that you must let it go now. You must shove it aside and create a new reality because it's either the opportunity within this disappointment or the time you'll spend drowning in resentment and bitterness for all the things that are left unfulfilled.

So, stare right at it and make a decision. I've already made mine.