A Redefinition.

The past couple of days have been slow, mostly and imperfectly present, a redemption towards more stillness and peace. Less time on the Internet, more time spent decorating my study notes, more time spent praying, connecting with friends and staring at a blank page of a new chapter, writing down a few pages or one, or a sentence or not at all. It feels regenerative to accept my imperfection and deem it as wholesome.

Today was also my last day of online work. I wasn't expecting to be let go until the end of May or even June, but under the light of the current circumstances, less is definitely more for many organisations. It felt searingly painful to acknowledge that I won't earn any money or do something valuable for others for a very long time, and it even got me to feeling a little bit anxious and not enough. But, a few deep breaths later, I knew I was enough. I was grateful for this opportunity hidden behind this setback and I felt my original sense of resilience, one akin to the waves sliding across the shore, embrace my being once more.

I was left with an emptiness, having to let go of so many full places and spots that gave my life structure and definition. There are no distractions now; no work, no people to meet, no university life, not much of anything. What it is then, that I have to attend to?

Myself.

Yes, me. My inside, my very core and nuclear base of values and beliefs. My relationship with the universe, fate, past and future. It feels foreign because it's been ages since I've had so much space to lie down so flexibly, breathe and think to myself. I've decided to declutter so many things I've known; people, documents, email addresses and stick to the essential, to prioritise, organise and refresh.

It feels like those coming months will prove to be transformative and transitional. They will take me a step closer to the unknown- the uncertain and discomforting state it leaves us in. But I know very well that I thrive in the unknown. I thrive when I mysteriously plunge into it, letting go of what has once helped me grow, send it light and peace and move towards my new self and what it has to embrace.

I have no idea what the coming months will bring. I don't know when I'm graduating, my career path and even where I'll live. I have no idea at all, which is also wonderful. I can think of the future based on my own dreams now, shifting myself towards what I wish to accomplish instead of what I know. This is a time to truly build a foundation for what is to come.

I might not be earning money anymore, staying at home, doing nothing glorious, surely not making any difference. Yet, I am enough. I am present. Whatever is required of me 'now', then I feel it, even if it's just the laundry, making rice or cutting up vegetables. Perhaps, in those times of utter stillness, secret opportunities are lurking behind the lens of curiosity, bit by bit unraveling.

This time is a redefinition of what I once knew; a redefinition of inherent worth, strengths, and identity. It is much needed, it is the perfect time to receive this blessing and take it for what it's here to teach me.

Emptying the once reserved places certainty does require a new beginning. So, here is to this redefinition.