Thoughts On Life.

I've been clearly distant those couple of weeks, but it's been a whirlpool of events. My grandmother passed away a few days ago and I had to take my time to process it before I could write anything. Some mornings, I would wake up and tell myself to write something but words wouldn't come, which made me feel quite odd. It's like I have lost a part of my identity.

I'm here to talk about how my perception on life has changed the last couple of weeks; what truly matters in the very end. I watched my grandmother go through rough fits of being so close to that world we know nothing about, and it struck me that very few, yet cardinal things matter in those very last moments. I had to take some time before sleeping analysing what I'm truly chasing in life, whether they are things that would make me more at peace, more in love, even more ready to face death.

Looking around me, I find that people are concerned with trivial issues. We fill our head with self-created problems, false judgements developed through miscommunication and we chase goals that barely make us feel fulfilled. It's all an illusion. I, personally, have fallen into that trap of wanting to attain delusional success not very long ago. We surround ourself with this bubble of fear that makes us hurt people, compete with them instead of unite, isolate ourselves in search of status, wealth and success. We run fast, climbing ladders, only to find that the skyline is but an delusional benchmark created by our own minds.

Now, when it comes to my life and dreams, I'm deranged. All of a sudden, it's like my identity wants to discard the tall ladders I'm working hard to climb and focus on the little things that make me feel fulfilled by the end of the day. Honestly, it never feels right to climb taller and taller ladders everyday; it's exhausting and confusing to attempt to expand the zone of comfort. The truth is, when I talk to myself at night and ask it about whether it feels it has done enough or not, it never tells me that it's satisfied. It tells me to try again the next day, to be more brave, bold and determined. 

But what if the next day never comes? Will I fall asleep knowing that I'm not enough?

That's what's confusing me. I don't know how to live my day. I don't know what inner dialogue to keep. I don't know whether to be so hard on myself or take a simpler approach to life. I just really don't know.

I know it matters that I'm trying to be a better person, but you know what really fulfills me? It's the notion that there is a hidden force inside of my soul. A force that is magical, mystical and powerful. An energy that drives me towards the unknown, a miraculous light that makes me want to swim icy cold oceans and plant beautiful gardens. A light that makes me want to smile in the face of hate and make peace at times of war.

I know I feel best when I'm in my own bubble of idealistic fantasies. In them, I am enough, my strengths are appreciated, my power unleashed and energy in harmonious flow. In them, I'm gracefully in sync with the world, not suffering from any resistance, creating a path that grows day by day.

Life, it seems, doesn't make any sense when it is spent in a spiral of fights. It showcases no explanation if all we do is live robotic moments that can be justified by the same behaviours and followed by the same consequences. It's not worth living if all we do is hope to do better, without really changing ourselves. 

I thank death for teaching me more about the meaning of life. I think, from now on, I'll be thinking more in terms of what makes that conversation I have with myself each night more beautiful instead of impatient and restless. It doesn't matter if I didn't really pay attention to the mundane responsibilities I have and instead stepped closer to a dream of mine. At least, I'm shaping my own success, defining it in my own terms.

I hope you find what truly matters to you. I hope you create your own skyline. I hope you harness your true strengths that allow you to soar next to it forevermore.

Because that's what really matters.