Do We Even Know Who We Are?

Lately, I've been trying to get closer to myself, to just spent a few moments on my way to work trying to listen to my soul, shushing those voices that tell me to listen to a podcast or an audiobook to make use of my time. I'd listen to calming ambient melodies and observe my thoughts drift from one to another like the soaring January clouds. 

The more time would pass, the more I'd get bemused. I'd step out of the bus on the way to the classroom thinking, "who am I?" and the answers would bounce back and forth till the blur of the motion turned blinding. Even though I was supposed to head to make a difference in the world and whatnot, I didn't even know who I was.

I've had those thoughts ever since I was fourteen. I even remember giving myself several names based on different versions of myself, who were bright in some moods and morosely sombre in others. Would the answer lie in listing endless points of strengths and weaknesses? Definitely, through them, we discover buried parts of ourselves while we blend into the world's bustling demands. 

But this isn't what I really want. I already do know my strengths and weaknesses, too well that they've become memorisable. But there's something deeper.. a kind of revelation of inner power and magic that I want to make contact with. Somewhere in those depths of my soul, I want to get to know what I'm capable of. I want to be able to run so fast in the open fields and listen to the universe's deepest secrets, I want to discover the mystical parts of who I am midst that open space, surrounded by the unknown.

I want to plunge into the unknown. Those bus rides back and fro places I've always known daunt me. The setting is predictable. The events so mundane and ordinary till it makes me reside to the fantasies of my head and start thinking of alternate lives ready to be lived.

Sometimes, I feel so detached from everyone else. So detached that I no longer want to talk or take part in simple day-to-day moments. I no longer wish to eat or sleep. Lately, I haven't been eating much and stay awake wide-eyed at night, diving deep into the secrets of the world, trying to discover the extraordinary, the essence of what we are truly living for. And when a sunrise dawns on my face, I wonder what the melodies of the blackbirds will teach me that day and what the whispers of the chilly wind will convey.

That's why I don't feel enough, you know? How could I be enough when at times, all I want to do is just have this sacred space all by myself? How could I be an ordinary mother, wife, teacher or learner? How could I be there for the ones I love when I'm sure there are parts of me which are buried.. and this depth is ever-painful when not discovered. There has to be light, and in order to find it, I need to close my eyes and walk in this darkness for a while.

It is true that I have discovered the most profound realisations after such episodes of solitude and transformation. I come back stronger, brighter and more present. Thus, I must tolerate this constant feeling of not being enough. I must accept that I'm not perfect and nothing I ever do will make me perfect. Perfection is something that naturally exists, and it doesn't require anything of me. I must understand this, though I don't follow this divine advice. I would be better of letting it be, and making this constant strife for perfection and wholeness a natural trait of existence, rather than be tormented by its complications.

Despite this uncanny feeling of confusion, I'm content inside. I feel like the next day will unravel a mystery and a thought will pop up into my head, bursting with infinite streams of colours into my soul. I'm sure an epiphany will come, and I'll discover something magical to live by, a new lesson to share with the world. I cannot be more thrilled for this, which reminds me of the beauty of introspection and vivid episodes of silence and make-beliefs.

I'm writing this as the sunrise dawns on my face and I hope today is more beautiful for everyone alive. I hope that soon, I can finally whisper to my soul and tell her to show itself gracefully.

I'm sure it will find what's it's capable of. I just know it.