The Peace In Equanimity.

I think it’s our nature to react to things happening around us and actually feel. Meaning, feeling daunted, joyful, anxious and thrilled according to circumstances. That’s a very ordinary human trait, which doesn’t excite me. I always tend to move away from what is ordinary and be somehow supernatural, to experience a newer and unique state of existence.

It always disappoints me when I find myself reacting with rapture or melancholy because I always intend to practice a state of mind which I find so beautiful, and it’s called equanimity.

The philosophy behind equanimity is to feel calm and at peace no matter what happens; this ethereal state of trust and faith that leaves you unmoved yet deeply light and grateful. I believe there is grace in that, facing all situations with ultimate acceptance and forgiveness, allowing the mind to stay present and submissive.

However, I think I always fall into that hole of trying to practise it, that act of letting go, and then feeling deeply miserable for not letting my emotions flow. Sometimes I experience this surreal sadness when I experience loss, and try to transform it into a subtle, beautiful experience rather than feel mournful about it. It’s a dilemma I’m quite unsure of resolving and am currently on a quest figuring out what it takes to achieve this wonderful state of equanimity.

I think most of it stems from self-worth. When we attach to certain situations and claim that they make us feel more worthy, or add a dimension of liveliness into us, then it becomes harder to let go. It makes us scared of losing, because we presume we will be uncertainly worthless and empty. But that’s untrue, right? We all need to practice experience feeling enough and worthy, even when we have nothing. That will happen to us eventually— one day, there won’t be anything left on this planet and we will only have ourselves. In that moment, are we going to be content with whoever we are? Or is insecurity going to lace around your very own soul and there won’t be anywhere to escape? No habit to cling to, no place to be safe.

This is very critical. I think life revolves around that. It’s why we are constantly tested, to end up realising and being aware that no matter what happens, no matter how much we lose, we will still honour that gift of love and existence that is beheld within our light. Because this is all that we have— this blessing, this life. Whatever you attach to, whatever you dream of possessing or achieving or winning, in a blink of an eye, it could be gone. And when that happens, are we going to be okay with who we are?

Equanimity is fulfilment at its very peak. It’s simply existing and feeling truly blessed by it. It’s visualising having nothing at all and still not reacting, still feeling grounded and down to Earth. I believe it’s why we are actually here.

Equanimity doesn’t mean that you stop doing whatever you find meaningful; quite contrarily, it is actually the challenge of chasing your purposeful dreams and passions, but only perceiving them as journeys and experiences, rather than attaching to the outcomes and perceiving worth from them. It makes us more resilient, allows us to embrace failures quite willingly, because they are only a part of the journey, not a way to measure competence or worth.

I think last year, I was so keen on being a competitive, perfect person. I attached myself to the value I want to bring to my workplace. Everyday was a war to win and succeed, which made me so frustrated when there were days in which I failed, and antagonistically very joyful when I did succeed. It was a volatile period which exhausted me terribly. I learned my lesson— professionalism and the process of delivering value is a patient journey, not a tangible thing I am supposed to grasp as soon as possible.

I think I’m at a stage in which I shall practise equanimity, where I am purely myself. I find myself attaching my peace to health but it doesn’t work that way. I must feel enough and loved whatever the circumstance, whatever the imperfections, whatever the tribulations.

It’s a beautiful philosophy, isn’t it? A gateway to fate so freely loved and trusted, what I envision life should be like. 

I can try. It's a new adventure of being.