Sunrise Stories.

The faint light is flowing by the eastern corner of our room and my eyes meet life. I take a deep breath and look at you, sleeping, and a swelling wave of gratitude soaks me, hides deep inside of this rattling cage of a heart and never finds a way out.

Slowly, I walk away, outside. My footsteps are strides, following a calming echo of the ripples embracing the banks of that little stream we adore, touching the mouldy moss surrounding it. The ripples are reflecting ethereally infinite flickers of the eastern light and they glow in my eyes, and I’m nothing but this reflection of what I see, my vision fixated on my own soul, wrinkly as the water moves back and forth.

I close my eyes, and as always, I remember you. I remember you in these moments of darkness because I need your enlightenment. For a long time, I’ve lived with my whole shame and guilt put upfront, facing the world. I live a long time shying away from the truth, from my darkness and demons, and I pretend that they are light.

Because I’ve learned to despise honesty after being thrown shards of glass with it. They hurt me, they showed me scars that reflected my flaws and mistakes. With time though, I learned to cover them up, transform them into something beautiful, something like a fertile ground for flowers and trees.

But they are still scars. They are still painful— and every time a beautiful thought thrives, I feel it digging through, spreading its roots, triggering my pain.

And when you saw me, you saw me. Not the flowers. Not the grand trees and emerald leaves. You see what I must have been through to get to that, and you know it’s hidden somewhere, chasing me with limiting beliefs, with unstoppable anxieties, with a false identity wrapped around a genuine smile. You know that this is how I chose to live my life— in light, loving others, loving myself, dedicating every single day to something beautifully meaningful.

But you also see it in my eyes. You know when I hide away beside this quiet stream, that there is something I’m facing. You know that when I tell you I can’t do something, or that I don’t have enough time or confidence— when I’m just scared and afraid and overthinking, it’s just my darkness. You sense it within me, with your very soul.

And instead of telling me I’m beautiful, deserving and worthy— instead of complimenting what I show on the outside, you tell me to go and face it. You tell me to deal with whatever I have to on my own journey to break free. You tell me to stop complaining and do something about it instead. Even if it means losing everything— losing the beauty and the light.

Even if I have to die in order to get there.

I look at you as you shatter me and I’m mind-blown by this honesty. I want to fight you. I want to tell you that I’m okay, that I’m fine, that it will go away— but I can’t.

I can’t when I have you as a blessing, supporting me, ready to sacrifice this light for freedom.

I can’t when you are my window to enlightenment. My window to unearthly light.

I breathe out, and I’m still by the water, my feet completely soaked and comforted. I smile because I know you’ll be here in a while, noticing whatever is in my head and telling me to deal with whatever bitterness I have to put forward. Even if it means I have to not love you, hide away and just— be.

With my eyes fixated on the rising sun, I’m a beacon of honesty living up to my authenticity. And I smile, not because of light or darkness, because I’m me.

And this is why you chose to love me dearly, and to be whole and real with you is the most unfathomable gift I have ever received. 

By that stream, I am grateful, smiling, whole and at peace, feeling your presence beside me; your arms around my shoulder and eyes looking deeply in mine, understanding me at all vulnerable points. It makes it hard to breathe but you tell me to release. I open my eyes and I am greeted by this beautiful, calming smile of yours that makes the world a kinder place.

This sun is now blazing and painting the world to life just as you transform me into all of the love I hold inside.

And I love you.