I Am Loved.

A few days ago, I turned twenty-one. It was an ordinary birthday, that kind of slow-weekend, where we went out to do grocery shopping for our upcoming trip and just idled around watching movies and nothing else in particular.

But it’s not that what truly matters. I’m here because, on my twenty-first birthday, I felt that I was loved. It touched me deeply and all of the pain and struggle of feeling unloved just resurfaced. My heart was beating, chest clenching and I had this bizarre sensation radiating around me. It was beautiful, it was like life was proving to me that all of those fears which tell me that I am alone and totally separated from everyone I know were wrong. They were lies my ego was feeding me to hold on to my restlessness and constant strive to attain perfection.

I have received many beautiful wishes from people I don’t know and ones that I do. I used to think that I was a very lonely person, but it turned out that so many kind people cared enough to simply wish me happiness in my life. And from the way they showed it, I felt authenticity. I felt genuine support and care, no matter the distance, no matter how far away their hearts were. They were close enough to simply remember me.

And that’s the kindest thing in the world. I’m even speechless. My young self is screaming in questions— How did that happen? Weren’t you the lonely kid? Weren’t you misunderstood and lost? How are you finding love again after this hole you’ve fallen into?

And I’m smiling because I can truthfully say that I have found love because I searched for it in me. I’m not there yet, and like my dear companion phrased it, it takes time to love ourselves— perhaps a whole lifetime. But because I’m on this journey, somehow love emanated beauty and kindness, and this is all I perceive, despite the cruelty and anger hidden in all of the corners.

Whoever is reading this, you are so loved. I am loved, too. Oh, I am just like you! I have people who love me, who simply don’t mind sharing their forgiveness and kindness towards my flaws— and I’m not attached to it. I’m not attached to any of this beauty. I’m just grateful to look within and find fertile waters to let those trees of love bloom and grow. And you, you are loved because you are trying to search for the light in your darkness, and you’ll find it, even it means you have to go a long way.

Dearest ones, you are loved because you are here. You are here on this Earth with your consciousness and vessel of a body to do things and perceive what the universe has for you. You are here, on a precise coordinate on this inscrutable map, and there is a journey to commence. With all of your flaws, once you start realising where they come from, detaching yourself from everyone who resents and shames them— you’ll find the love in your heart. You’ll find love in every part of you most of the time, although there will be times when doubt will hit, but it’s okay. Everyone around me tells me it’s okay, so it must be.

I am twenty one now and I’m leaving girlhood behind. I’m now an adult, and I’m proud and confident of who I am— I have my dreams. I have not only the same dreams I had when I was sixteen, but thriving, greener ones that spread like a grand tree in the beautiful morning sky. I have my bubble of ideals that hinders me, but it makes me strive and reach out for what seemingly is obscured by limits.

I’m grateful for all the puzzle pieces of my soul. I’m grateful for the world’s kindness and it’s inscrutable way of teaching me how to live. I’m grateful for the darkness and the ghosts that once haunted me, stopped me from even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Because all I saw was just this hideous person— this unloved, worthless one who was just trying too hard.

But I am loved. So are you.

We are love.

I am thankful for the ones who love me. Thank you for existing.