As We Change..

I think the most fascinating thing about the experience of being human is the way we adapt, practise resilience and evolve. Reading about stories of people who transformed themselves after certain experiences manages to put me in awe, as I reflect on the way it is so hard to actually change and be new people, with a different mindset and habit system.

But it’s also sad. The way we change is always so exceptional and immense. After life-changing experiences, we find ourselves so new and different, and to embrace this new person is somehow rather dismantling and poignant. To wake up and live life differently, not the way you used to, is nostalgic and lonesome. It’s not easy to adapt and transform, but it’s unconditional.

Also, I have noticed that people usually change after experiencing downturns and seasons of adversity. We don’t just change for the sake of a refreshing twist whatsoever, but it’s often the toiling circumstances around us that shift us to think differently, to survive, to keep rising.

And this year was hard. It was a downturn, in which I experienced some inwardly-facing struggle. And now, I have let go of so many aspects of who I am. I’m an entirely new person— it’s exciting, but also confusing. But I have finally come to embrace the new me. I spent so many years trying to accept myself, and as soon as I started to reap the fruits of unconditional self-acceptance, I was dismantled by a torrent of triggers that made me change, again. It took me a while to finally accept the new Soraya that embodies me.

So, here are some of the elements of the new “me”, completely ripped out of judgement.

• I’m more confident— which is so scary. I’ve always been so insecure and now, I’m just confident. Just a couple of days ago, I asked for a payrise, a lavish one, even though just a year ago, it tormented me to do so. I’m more brave and aware of the value I might add, which is new. However, I’m trying hard to humble myself, and still refrain from letting this surge of confidence go too far. It’s still hard work which makes all the difference.

• I can speak up— I’m not afraid to speak about how I feel anymore. I used to sometimes refrain from telling others what I believe and feel in order not to hurt their feelings but one day, I just realised that it doesn’t make the situation better. It doesn’t make me more appreciated or loved; it only puts us all in a spiral of deception and lack of clarity. I used to perceive it as unkind to tell others that I cannot tolerate their behaviour, but this has nothing to do with kindness. Kindness is to help others become more self-aware of their actions.

• I don’t mind failing anymore— failing petrified me. Just the thought of it would stop me from sleeping and i would work so hard just not to fail, and nothing else. But, I think I have been through many failures this year and have made so many mistakes that it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s okay to fail. There are consequences, but they are only lessons and carvings that propel growth and maturity. The experience is what should matter most, and I realised that success does not really make any difference if I create a journey that is stressful and alienating. So I don’t mind failing. I mind trying and adventuring!

• It’s important to appreciate people and spend time with them— the extreme introvert in me disagrees but, no, people are beautiful. Spending time with others is one of the most refreshing and heartfelt investments I can ever make. Reaching out, making friends and acquaintances and even keeping up with them is truly important now. I used to think myself undeserving to actually hang out with my friends or so, but I think it’s now pretty pointless. People are there for each other, and I am grateful to have chosen to be surrounded by such wonderful personalities that add light to my life.

• I am powerless, but also responsible— I used to think that I’m in control of everything in my life. My successes, failures— they’re all in my hands. But I could take a moment and laugh about it because that’s so untrue. Humans are powerless. We are weak. Sometimes, we cannot control how we feel inside and we cannot even change it. If something bad happens, it doesn’t always have to be my fault. Yet, I am responsible of my reaction. I am responsible of trying to search of how to figure things out and try. I am also responsible of creating peace with the current situation instead of fighting it, till the lessons are inherently learned.

• I must be who I am and not try to change. Change is a truth and I need not chase it— I don’t need deliberately change who I am. I need not work hard to be more perfectionist or unmistakable. I need not try to be strict and more mature when I’m not. Change will always embrace us in the end, and we need to enjoy the people we are presently, before we move in to our other phases of humanness. If I am currently a little bit more playful and less goal-oriented, then that’s okay. I don’t need to force change, because anyway, circumstances shall shape me up as they come.

There. I have changed. Not worse, not better— just have become someone entirely new. I’m still getting used to waking up each morning and greeting the new Soraya, and make friends with her. It’s rather surprising— what I do those days. But I’m not alone— we are all changing.

May you all enjoy the humanness that resides within you, with all its quirks and imperfections.