October: Towards The Best.

October is my most favoured month of the year, dated back to the days when I was fifteen years old and suddenly looked up at the sky and found it starkly ultramarine. It is the month in which the world says goodbye to its summer memories and moves on to another phase of being— and in such a detrimental time, October does it so gracefully, inspiring me along the way. I’m almost always inclined to go towards the best in October and be the version of myself that I aspire to become; the journey is worthwhile and beautiful.

October defines itself by beautiful pristine mornings and clouds, carried by a northern chilly wind that caresses my skin, allowing the temperature to drop a few degrees. I would always look up and find something wonderful, designing a smile and make it form on my face. One thing I also love about October is that it gives a chance for the silk floss trees to blossom so wildly in white and pink flowers, adorning the streets with jovial colours. I would wake up really early and get down to wait for my bus half an hour before it arrives just to have a walk around the streets and take the marvellous beauty in. The sky would always speak to me, comforting the endless stream of worries that seemed to bombard me this month. I felt somehow safe in the arms of beauty and— I’m just really grateful that October exists.

It was a challenging month by all means. You know when you’re starting something new and can’t figure it out? I am given much more responsibilities at work and being a teacher is an art that I have not mastered at all. I kept failing countless times and it made me feel terribly disappointed and demotivated. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me; and I somehow believed that I was never meant to be successful. It really put me down to keep failing and making so many mistakes because I’m attached to this perfect visualisation of me attaining my ideals, reaching my goals and dreams. Anything away from that somehow puts me down.

I kept discovering my flaws this month. I would be starkly aware of my mistakes and judge myself critically in order to improve and get better, but I’d end up making a different set of mistakes so I’d lapse into disappointment once more. However, I got this epiphany and realised that maybe I shouldn’t be setting so many expectations. Maybe I should allow myself to learn from those mistakes and improve incrementally. No one has ever started out successful and I should accept it as a part of the climb up. I realised that it’s totally okay and in retrospect, this will all make sense. I realised that it will always be alright.

I have discarded my self-care routine though and I’m not very happy about it. I cut back on sleep and spent time worrying instead of being productive. This year in university is somehow challenging and my professors aren’t that good, so I’m a little bit panicky when studying. But, I believe that this stressful environment helps me thrive because it makes me work harder and pay attention to more details. All things considered, I won’t give up on sleep again. It’s a totally irrelevant solution given the lethargy that ruins the day after. That was one lesson to learn. :)

Love was there in October. I somehow managed to love the world so deeply and unconditionally despite the challenges and discomfort. I would always find some wild idea exploring love in its depths and intricate truths and write it down. I’m so worried though; I’m afraid that love in reality is not always as deep and unfathomable— I must learn to accept that. I must learn to blend in and keep my ideals in the clouds rather than down here on Earth. They don’t belong in a world so chaotic and entirely human.

I’ve matured. I’m trying to become more tough and serious. I’m trying to fight for my rights, to use my voice, to gain authority and believe in it, too. I always believe that I’m powerless but that needs to change. I’m willing to change, just a little.

Thank you October, for everything. Thank you for your gifts and blueness. Thank you for your inspiration and many many lessons. Your imprint will forever be delicately woven into my heart.