A Constant Strife.

I must say that I have changed a little. Rather, tremendously. These past few months have witnessed some cardinal changes in how I view life— my own little life and the universe, collectively.

Summer inspired me to rest in terms of ideals. I wasn’t bothered by being perfect and allowed my mistakes to dominate my world, and it was perfectly okay. It was rather joyful and simply peaceful but now, I feel rather determined and full of vigour and I do not want to be in the same place any longer. I do not want to rest, especially that I have got so much to figure out and such a long path to tread on. Change is a welcoming thought, for it is aligned with intentions and needed circumstance. The outcomes are certainly nothing to worry about, since they are always intricately planned and coordinated by the universe. Change is a beautifully-crafted truth.

Therefore, I’ve become more practical, instilling more analysis into my daily life. You know that I’m rather indulged in thinking about the big picture— and I often do not bother to care about the details. I want to change that. I believe that since I have emerged into the 20s, I must focus more on building up the fundamental keystones of my character; to do what’s right and focus on what’s essential rather than drift unknowingly. I need to build those habits that make me a good human being and the leader I aspire to become. I need to take it a little bit more seriously.

And with seriousness comes this constant strife towards perfection. Everyday, I aim to be perfect and fail. Sometimes I’m too close to not making a single mistake but then by the last hours of the day, I lapse into one. Its a wonderful process, really— I’ve learned to be more gentle and compassionate through those little disappointments. I need not torment myself but constantly improve, and it’s a mindset that is all so new and alien, because I was used to accept all what there is without resistance.

I have my doubts, since I’m more analytical and aware of my flaws. I wonder whether I’ll ever improve and get better. I keep thinking if I was built to be a failure and a beginner for my whole life and never excel at anything. My insecurity is formidable to make peace with and it keeps me from sleeping soundly at night. I always believe there is something inherently wrong with me and I just— I just want to be better.

As I mentioned, it’s a critical period. I don’t have to figure it out. I’m not obliged to, because everything changes in the end. My dreams and ideals will flow and transform into concepts more attainable and purposeful yet, I still believe I don’t have as much responsibilities and I have to take advantage of that opportunity to learn boundlessly of how to tap into the habits of success, in all areas of life. I need to tackle my flaws and gain more skills, before life’s mundane responsibilities nip that chance away.

I still cherish who I am and I don’t want to change. A part of my identity is still poetic and I will always have my head in the clouds— or somewhere up there. I’ll always see through the lens of nature’s metaphors and my words will not seem practical and understood. I will still keep that perpetual smile on (though I want to learn not to smile all the time). I am grateful for the bundle of attributes that make me ‘me’.

Yet, homogeneity is essential. I need to blend in and find a place, as I carve my way. This is really the starting point to something entirely different and new and— I want to be ready.

I intend to be ready.