New Beginnings.

I am writing this as I’m in the balcony, breathing in the September warm nightly air, resting from a tiring and sleepless flight back, indulging my existence in the timeless present, feeling free from judgments and fears.

So, I’m back. Here and now. I feel as if I had been sucked into a tunnel this summer and now I’m timelessly on the surface— everything seems just as still as I left it. This summer comes to me as if it were a glimpse of a dream and now I’ve woken up, embracing the morning light vividly. It feels as if that summer never existed and I was caught up in some beautiful realm for a while. Yet, the impact is here— the smile, love and rewards of trying hard to let it go. It’s all here, in the present, in my soul.

I’m laughing at myself currently, shaking my head at how weak I was just a few days ago. I see my agonising fears and this deadly anxiety toppling upon me and how they’ve faded into nothingness in reality. In the airport, I was smiling by the conveyer belt, waving goodbye. A smile so endearing and heart-warming. My sister and mother were shedding silent tears and I was smiling, blowing kisses in strength and bliss. There was a tinge of sadness, a tinge of longing, but I knew true love surpasses all circumstances. True love is not compliant but resilient. I remember my sister’s last kiss on the cheek and tight hug, and my beautiful mother telling me thank you and I just saying goodbye with a smile. I visualised breaking down, not being able to let go, shattering and being torn apart with every step away from them but, nothing of that happened. The love I held in my heart was faithful and loyal, nothing was able to change it. Not the airport, not the airplane, not the distance. Nothing.

Back to Egypt now. Back to a new blank page. Perhaps that is what scared me most; the notion of blank pages to be filled and occupied and I didn’t know how because nothing was clairvoyant enough. But now I can see all the pieces falling into place: there is the washing machine to be fixed, the kitchen lightbulb to change and work plans being made. Slowly, the momentum of life is pushing me forward and how comfortable it is to feel carried by the flow. How trustful it is.

It’s a new beginning. One that is glistening in ambitions and goals. One that is fuelled by the striving intention to work hard and learn. One that will soon be overwhelmed by routines and rituals, to feel at home in and protected within. It’s a new beginning and another chance to get better and better, which is thrilling and beautiful. Another year and a cycle just pronouncing itself through the seasons.

I’m not settled yet. The apartment is a mess currently with all the sudden things we need to fix and renew— but that’s okay. I’m harnessed by the power of presence and mindfulness and it’s keeping me afloat. It’s keeping me hopeful, no matter how stressful the atmosphere is. I’m having fun through it all.

The contrast is awakening. The difference between the colour of my identity in the timespan of a month is starkly evident and here is how I choose to believe in the significance of grief. There’s beauty in it. There is a transcending experience to be cherished and maybe that’s why I’m writing it down. That’s why I’m sharing it— releasing it.

Another beginning has just begun. Another open window for more life— loads and loads of it. Always.