Sunrise Stories.

It’s a blessing to be near the sea when all I desire to do is escape; escape from the echoes sounding in my mind, colourising accordingly to the hues of my twisted thoughts. All I want is to hear a different noise, one that is flowing and ebbing— the sound of the waves crashing the shore, taking the sand away with it, leaving behind the shells and the debris.

I haven’t slept, not a wink. I’m just afraid to wake up and feel that way again so I just keep consuming those thoughts until they fade away and at least at night, there is no reality to blend in— only the void of darkness it could seep away into. I even wish they were definitive thoughts, but they’re treacherously spun into a haze and I’m not sure I can set them apart.

At some hour, I leave the bed exhaustingly, trotting anxiously away. Leaving home, I see the sky so brilliantly embracing day break, and it allows a soft smile to stretch generously, giving my face a different feel. However, not even this can light a spark in my mind to clear it away. I wish it was that simple. 

I walk to the shore, magnetised by its presence. The waves sound so calm, rippling against my feet graciously and I allow them to by finding myself a spot, feeling the water touch my skin effortlessly, clearing away the numbness a little— at least there is something else to feel, other than the motions in my head. I can see my past, the hurt, recurring mistakes, worthlessness and fears gravitating me, pinning me down.

I feel like I’m drowning.

I let out a sigh that meets the atmosphere and bursts in cobwebs and ash then slowly rest my head on my knees, watching the sun-up. The sun has risen too swiftly for me to witness the divergence of rainbows spread beautifully across the sky, but it doesn’t really matter. I can’t even recognise the beauty so starkly.

I feel a touch on my shoulders, akin to a paintbrush, painting a bolt of electricity trilling along the canvass of my skin. I look up to find you, so I smile. You’ve probably felt me heading outside. I’m sorry I woke you.

You ask me if everything’s alright, so I smile and tell you that it is. I know it’s all alright, I know that the journey to heal from all of those painful times requires patience and unconditional love. It’s just that I don’t accept to feel all confused and lost when there are so many blessings to be grateful for. I smile a little bit more, not meeting your eyes, afraid to let them express what I do not exactly know how to phrase. You’re not convinced, gazing at the horizon, feeling it expand you— discover you over and over again. You come closer and rest your hand slowly on my back and a tension fills my chest; repulsion and guilt, surfaced with a lack of love so evident and incurable.

Your hands are everything I would have needed, but I can’t feel their support for now. I cannot fathom why, but my chest is aching. I thank you through a whisper and you smile in return. You ask me if it is making me feel a little better and I’m lost for words. I want to thank you, endlessly, for showing up and choosing to stay rather than let me battle it alone. So, I smile to you, and open my eyes a little bit brighter, letting the light in— the peachy beams allowing your face to glisten softly. I thank you again, but refrain to a frown. Immediately, you know that something is still wrong. I tell you that I need to figure this out, that the time alone, in coldness and hurt, drowning and soaking me like torrents of a harsh rain is exactly what I need. I need this pain and this struggle. I need the urgency to cry and let it out, to starve the joy for a while. You smile, though my eyes are teary and embrace me with your understanding. You know I need this. You know that I’ll return with a heart pumping in jolly hopes and dreams.

Your smile was everything, for you touched me one last time— a touch that spoke of longing yet had the strength of patience and endurance. You let your fingers slip through my hands and clenched them tightly. I smile and let some tears flow.

I watched you leave me to the fields of my peaceful journey towards healing. I’m sorry it had to be this way but, you understand.

And, that means the world.