How To Heal From Family Issues.

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We all go through some family issues in our lives, it’s one of the most common social and psychological disintegration present in our communities. We don’t all experience them in their utmost severe degrees, but they’re present because family is the one social institution that is affected by mostly everything occurring outside of it, which is fairly stressful and challenging.

I’ve decided to open up a little about my own family issues. I’ve had them, as a kid, and they weren’t easy to tolerate. Maybe as a child, I didn’t feel it because children are always characterised by such a graceful resilience when facing trauma and so on. However, as I grew up, it all came back to me as these issues kept surfacing and with full awareness. Questions kept reoccurring: why me? how to stop this? is it my fault? do I deserve this? The thing is, I wasn’t mature enough to answer those questions mindfully, and no one was there to help me answer them.

But now, after I’ve gone through those issues, I must say I’m grateful. Despite my broken family, it all provided me with opportunities not many have. I feel so blessed by it, and how empowering it is to finally find a way out, to see the horizons of the future, leaving the circumstances you cannot control behind.

But it’s not really simple to get there, to that point where all is well and it doesn’t hurt you anymore. Nobody gave us any instructions; we are expected to be functional and successful without getting through, without healing. No, it’s essential to heal. It’s requisite to go slow and take the time you need purposefully. The most important thing is to realise that it’s alright to feel like you’re the victim, because you are. It’s not really your fault, but how long will you stay stuck? How many years shall you waste going through the motions and not feeling truly free? Victimising yourself is normal, it’s just a reaction, but it’s not the solution. When we are stuck, we just stay there in that point regarding it as our life because we don’t know what to do.

From what I experienced, it is possible to heal but it’s just a process of trial and error. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. A process full of failures that may be perceived as endings, when they’re just obstacles. You need this awareness to realise that those moments of weaknesses are only temporary. The morning comes and it’s almost a new sheet of paper in which you can start anew, with small victories and triumphs to look forward to.

In order to heal, you need to experience grief. You need to let time soak you with all the sadness it presents; it won’t work to numb yourself with your career, studies or future dreams. Not when you’re broken and emotionally raw and inflamed. You might be affluent for a while, at one point, but as soon as circumstance starts to test you, your scars will open up and you’ll take a longer time bleeding out.

Cry the night if you have to. Lament terribly in your journal. Feel lost and confused. As I said earlier, it’s only temporary for it’s a journey, you’re only in the beginning. Don’t forget, though, to add a healing element to this expression of grief, there is gratitude. After you have dried your tears, say thank you. After pages and pages of complaints and hurt, write about what you’re grateful for in your life. It is magical how it works, I didn’t believe in it either. But I gave it a try and you should, too. Be grateful that even if your family is broken and you feel so helpless, you may have a healthy body, you’re gifted with your senses, the ability to perceive what is around you and that’s amazing. Just take some time acknowledging that some blessings, no matter how small, exist. I know the effect is not profound, because you haven’t any tools to truly feel those blessings— not yet.

To heal, we need to empower ourselves. We need to take control of our minds and thoughts, to replace this helplessness and utmost sadness with joy and hope. I believe the best way to do so is to practise using your senses, to keep you grounded and aligned with life surrounding you. Touch things more; the water as you shower, the grass, the pages of your textbook, the texture of bread— feel it. During this period of victimisation, your senses are numbed, you need to fire them again. You need to start using them but in an entirely different way. Touching, smelling, seeing and tasting things slowly and with a sharp awareness will light your mind up— bringing you to feel. Gently pairing this practise with gratitude for those simple senses will work wonders.

It will all make sense. The way the water feels on your skin, hugging its pores, streaming and washing away the dirt like a river will make you feel at home. The way the bread tastes in your sandwich for breakfast; carefully chewed and rolled by your tongue, turning sweet and soft, giving you the energy you need. You all deserve this. You’ll realise that there are things working right for you, even if you don’t see them, but now you do. Now the universe is fixated in its place, and you’re heading somewhere with this sense of grand belonging.

You exist for a reason.

When you discover the tools, you’ll finally see your purposes somewhere there midst the passion. The passion of discovering the world through your body and existence, you’ll find so much. Something will finally be attracted to your void, and it will fill you up with love.

Those are the stepping stones. Last comes love— unconditional love. You shall find yourself loving the world for being what it is, you’ll love life for the chances you have and the reasons to be grateful for and one day, you’ll love yourself. You’ll hug yourself each night for simply existing, even if there is no one there to hug you.

This is when you’ll be strong enough to endure anything. You’ve reclaimed your heart. You will find forgiveness through gratitude. If your parents are fighting or blaming you for their unhappiness, it won’t matter so much because you know it’s not true. You’ve been stuck in their own emotional mess; their accusations and subjective perception. You know better now, you know it’s not the truth.

Practise seeing the world with your eyes. See how the universe can mimic your deepest sorrows as you observe it conscientiously. The rains, high tides bringing in the scars of ocean debris, the flowers of beauty underneath the sunlight then daunting when night falls. Find meanings. Seek relevance because had you anything lacking in your world, it would be understanding and sympathy. You need to lift yourself up.

It will be a long journey, that will have so many slips and falls. Some days you’ll give up, but every time you finally get back at your feet again, you slips shall be shorter and affirmations will follow them. You don’t want to go back to square one. You will only keep going forward, this is the only way you should trust for it’s a mysterious place to be.

Along the way, self love shall creep in. You’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile at who you are. You’ll define love through the bonding you’ve made with yourself; such a creative and majestic one you shall paint. And then, love will unwind everywhere, only if you want it enough.

Love will heal you till the very end. It will be the dream you’ve always had when you were stuck feeling worthless and guilty. You’ll reach there.

Just start. Tell yourself that you intend to heal yourself and finally walk away. Start replacing those thoughts and plant seeds of self-growth instead. Do everything with intentions. Try out new things. Be grateful even as you cry and fail. It’s so uncomfortable, but this is how you will thrive. No one has ever reached fulfilment without risk and determination.

I’m here to tell you it’s okay. That your journey is so special. One day you’ll realise that you do not need to be understood anymore, you’ve finally understood your heart and through it, the universe of your fate.

Trust your fate.