July: Childlike Laughter.

I’m so sorry that July is now saying goodbye, for it’s been such a felicitous month. I’m always filled with a subtle sorrow when those summer months pass by, because they’re always so transformative in a distinctive way— a transformation filled with the air of joy, careless laughter and company, things I usually lack in the other months.

So, July had been all about me practising being a child, despite turning twenty just a couple of days ago. I celebrated my birthday heartily this time, unlike last year. With and without my sister, I experienced resilience of staying in the present moment, engulfing it with all it has to offer. I’m immensely grateful for this, because my anxiety is perishing— I feel it saying goodbye after it had haunted me for so many years. Its impact had been profound and I’m thankful for what it has taught me, now I’m just looking for different challenges to overcome the coming years, to dive deep into the subconscious of a human mind. I’m galvanised by what shall be revealed along the way.

It was a month full of discomfort but I’m now really accustomed to it that it doesn’t even feel like discomfort anymore. It was uncomfortable to be around my sister all the time, barely having any time alone to recharge and reflect. Also, I was overwhelmed by how everyone demanded so much for me— doing mostly everything around the house. It got to the point where I felt so exhausted and tired but I still pushed myself to give love and to be gentle, which I now realise isn’t the right thing to do. I should express myself more openly, and demand space. I’m afraid my sister would feel mad about it, but maybe that’s okay. It’s normal to respect others, and she should learn that. I must learn to accept that it’s okay to frustrate or even anger others, to do what I desire. That’s what I’m going to work on— to balance the overflowing potential of empathy.

sunrise from the sea

Berlin!

Malmo, Sweden

Copenhagen

Also, we travelled to the seasides and from there had so many adventures crossing many many borders. I relished the discomfort of travel and how awakening it was. I was mesmerised by the amount of human impressions to learn about; culture, human nature and impact, freedom of expression and civilisation. I can’t wait till I reflect upon it all in writing, as I document it with all those subtle moments. I’m now much more confident for some reason, readier to believe in my ideals and patiently strive towards the life I’d like to live for myself and others.

With all this discomfort, I laughed along it all. I missed it, I barely laugh from my heart back in Egypt, but of course, I smile a much more graceful smile. My sister and I would sit down and laugh at random things, make up songs and play. Even my parents would join with sarcasm— they’re both so good at it. I believe childhood is a phase we should sustain in ourselves; its impact. In the adult world, they teach us to leave it behind and have fun in diversely not-so-healthy ways. I won’t leave my childhood behind.

And now, I’m in my 20s, entering the phase of womanhood which is enthralling. I’ve asked my mom about it and she told me it would be a phase full of cardinal decisions: career, family choices and so on. She told me that, unlike what I thought, I should more immature because it would be difficult to decide with practicality. I think she meant that I should listen to my heart and intuition when choosing my ways— what an awakening advice that is.

August is coming and to be honest, I dread it. It’s just a countdown to a tragic goodbye. But I know I’ll do it better this time. I’ll remember the present moment. I’ll remember the many activities to do, songs to sing, moments to live and fragments of love to stich together. There is hope awaiting— always.

Thank you for the kindness, the kindred spirits and the ones who made my July uniquely lovely. I want to thank the sun for choosing to be my beloved companion.

Earnestly grateful.