Rest.

The other day, I was talking to my dad about issues regarding my identity— the positives and negatives. He was kind enough to talk to me openly and honestly, which I truly appreciate.

Unexpectedly, he mentioned that one of the negatives aspects of my identity was constantly pressuring myself. Hearing this almost zoned me out because I didn’t believe I left that impression, I didn’t believe it was noticeable. Perhaps, I didn’t even believe it myself.

Honestly, I might be too hard on myself sometimes even though it doesn’t really bother me. I like being disciplined and responsible, constantly striving for something better, preoccupied with tasks that have auspicious rewards for others and myself. Too often, I’m caught up in that cycle; plunging outside of my comfort zone, giving up leisure time just to be productive and missing out on some pleasurable simple moments.

In introspection, I found that many times I deny the opportunity to see my friends and hang out with them, claiming that it would be better to work, study, prepare a presentation or something challenging. The thought of leaving my responsibilities and having fun makes me feel utterly unsafe and selfish, like I shouldn’t be doing this. I heard advice countless times on how I’m supposed to be living my age; socialising, being carefree and detached from boundaries. Maybe I’m too serious sometimes.

Rest is not something that appeals to me— I often fear it. I’m sure it must be amazing to rest, because I already have exhausted myself with some sabotaging consequences. I’m supposed to learn from my mistakes and recognise the delight of breaking free from responsibilities and the burdens of the future. I always feel like I need to challenge myself to the extremes to be prepared, to be steps ahead.

I’m thankful that I realised this today. Maybe I should give myself some allowances. Maybe I should be more gentle and grant myself some time to watch a movie and play the guitar without feeling guilty because I could have used that time to plan for the next academic year. Maybe I should stop worrying so much.

I’m grateful that it’s summer, that I’m going to try reconnecting with my inner child by laughter and carelessness. I already have started that this month, by laughing in the face of stress and hard times. I’m happy that I might have time to play and act insane, without judgements nor guilt.

An inner voice is telling me that I should still be serious, that life demands awareness and a sharp focus— but not all the time. Life is also beautiful in those unplanned moments, in those purposeless conversations with friends and family.

However, I still believe that the act of pressuring myself is also a virtue, but I’ll harness the positive aspect of it and attain balance— a dear friend of mine. To strive and relentlessly aim far is quite rewarding and idealistically reassuring.

I never thought it would be so gently loving to embrace my imperfections. I should do that more often and maybe you should, too.