Dimming Hope.

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On days like today, I’m rather tired.

Tired from being too imperfect in so many aspects; the mistakes I keep doing, affirmations I’m forgetting and commitments I fail to keep up with.

I’m sometimes tired of having to fix so many things in order to truly be free. There is always something new and more challenging, requiring more time and consistent effort. It needs me to be gentle and compassionate towards my flaws, and it’s something I haven’t learned just yet.

Because every time I witness how much I’ve got left, it alienates me; for I’m not instantly rewarded, thus it gives the impression that I’m going nowhere, overcoming one obstacle after the other, only to find more and more in the way.

Perhaps it’s because it’s not only my own imperfections that I’m trying to change but also the world’s. I get along with positivity an proactivity, but I tend to overuse this smile constantly glued on my face until it dries up and I feel like it’s not working anymore. It’s difficult to look for other solutions for the world’s problems in different lenses, ones that don’t involve grace and hope.

So many people are unhappy and I utterly cannot do anything about it. I try, but they’re not always receptive, not always willing to accept help and light. That’s why I feel rejected and left out— almost obsolete.

I’d like to live a perfect day; one in which I can give love freely to everyone surrounding me without having to fail. Without having to fear rejection and isolation.

I’m alone sometimes, in my head, and at times like those, all I’m asking for is just some appreciation and authentic love. Just a reminder that it’s not only me who is trying to make everything okay, because it’s not quite enough, is it?

I thought I’d write this out, just to bring into sight the fact that I’m not always one to embrace my flaws and shortcomings. They hurt me, especially when I envision them in the eyes of others. I believe in the power of positivity, but I need to stay true and honest to myself and admit that it’s not always working.

I know I need to rest and accept the world as it is. Perhaps I just need to accept myself.
- written on 03.05.2018 -

Comments

  1. Anonymous05/05/2018, 15:08

    For good or bad you will never be quite perfect, reach towards it but not attain it but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving. This is all okay though and you have come a long way. Deservingly pat yourself on the back for it. You shine just fine even on your darkest days

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thrivingone05/05/2018, 17:59

      What you’re saying is truly relevant. Sometimes one only needs to hear such words to keep moving with the same strength, at times when motivation fails and the inner light dims. I thank you, and I hope to remember it. It’s quite cryptic how our minds visualise perfection as an end, and we blindly trust such visions but I’m determined not to let it drown the positivity.

      Thank you again.

      Delete

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