Heartening Desires.

If I keep thinking what do I genuinely desire, I hope I do eventually get to an answer.

For I find myself answering that I deeply want the future I visualise for myself, with all of its embedded unearthly values and happiness. As I sleep each night, I find my heart beating ecstatically as I smile, watching myself sleeping the same sleep years later, with a love glowing within me.

My deep desire is to have all these visions come true; to feel young at soul no matter how grey and wrinkled I would become, to allow my laughter to resonate despite the loss and the suffering, to celebrate life in the darkness, hoping for the existent light.

I desire to love and be loved in return; not by everyone, but by the ones I treasure. I long for a future fulfilled by astounding observation, where I would realise all the omens and acknowledge them as messages from the divine, without having to worry at all, without having to bother with being human in our overly human societies.

And our desires are often imperfect though incomparably beautiful.

And those little simple desires have kept me from wanting to sleep tonight —as I write this— for my heart is pounding with surges of adrenaline, forcing those jolly chemicals to ooze in my brain, keeping my thoughts sparkling and vivid. In spite of this, I’ll breathe deeply and ground myself to the present; to the promises I made to make each day worthwhile, to sleep knowing I had at least done something good and valuable— to call it a day.

I’ve done some mistakes and I apologise, but I’ll move on. I accept the fact that my dreams and desires will never come true the way I visualise them, and that’s okay. Through it all, my soul is permanent, and I’m working on allowing it conquer amidst what’s temporary and changeable.

Every time we realise the beauty and opportunities beyond our coordinates in space and time, our hearts seek the thrill accompanied. With this, we plant a happiness to root us into life’s unexpected happenings, till we become ethereally enraptured. The fluctuations of daily life turn us down, but they will not prevail. We should trust this.

Yet, I’m afraid of my desires. I’m afraid of wanting love, magic and happiness so much. Scared that it might carry me away to realms of failure and being brought down and crushed. The ascent it beautiful, but it does not last— and I am afraid.

Let’s decide to be a little bit fearless, at least within ourselves. Let’s choose to want those far fetched dreams and pretend we don’t. Let’s keep ourselves alive so that if life attempts to kill us, we refuse.

Because these attachments will speak for us, until our very last day.