Let's Talk About.. Failures.

I cannot define failure quite accurately, but I believe they are some sort of unresolved mistakes, that haven’t proved their worth and significance yet. ‘Yet’ because I also firmly believe that fate doesn’t brutally plan people’s failures but rather treats them as omens of reformation and change. Failures are extraordinary forces; with their might they appear both emotionally and analytically worthwhile. The sadness, fear and shame combined with reasoning allows our minds to find a way out, a solution, or perhaps a mindset that evolves and allows healing to prosper more fearlessly.

Have I failed at some point? Sure. Besides that, many of my failures have proved to be major successes. Because I still am young, inexperienced and immature, most of my successes are trivial yet noticeable. However, I do have failures in the back of my mind, still resonating and ingraining their impact in my daily life, till I eventually carve the way to heal entirely and step to a new level of failures more challenging and uncomfortable.

Here’s a list of some of my prominent failures that I haven’t really gone through yet.

1. My relationship with food— I consider my eating disorder still an issue that holds me back from truly living. Although I’ve progressed compared to last year, I still have some of those thoughts. They are more feeble, I’m sure, but still dominant at times of weakness and stress. I haven’t reached the point to admit that I’m entirely grateful to have gone through that experience because I still suffer from the consequences; I could have ended up healthier, taller, more energetic if it weren’t for that. But I know I’m not one to regret and I’ll keep moving forward with those baby steps. :)
2. Love— I do love rather deeply, but only in my imagination. I’m not fully recovered yet, which means, the love I hold for myself is not completely present at all times. I’m so much better at that now, but I’m sure that there is so much to progress at. I see this when I’m with my sister, unable to show her love till the very end because there is something limiting me; and I realised that it’s because I never loved myself enough. I wish I could, but it takes time, effort and continuous lapses to reach that point of being loving. That, I am aware of.
3. Control issues— You could consider me a control freak in some ways, and that I wish to change. I have failed at allowing myself to delegate and give others space to do their own thing and to be themselves without my judgement. Don’t get me wrong, I am not that awful, but I’m sure that I need to accept people more than this. I’m sure that there shall come a day when I won’t be able to control everyone nor their actions, therefore, I need to build up an awareness that mistakes are okay and rather helpful. Not everyone must be me, which must be rather beautiful and awakening, but I haven’t got myself to believe it just yet.

Those are the three main personal failures. They hurt immensely, and with them comes stress and anxiety. But with time, I’m able to turn a little bit of those failures to lessons and omens that allow me to thrive and reach a soulful peace and tranquility that serves to attain the balance I am striving to reach.

Do not shame your failures, honour them. They are the cracked and ill-coloured pieces of your mosaic, but soon, you’ll find a place for them. Perhaps that’s why they are so special.