Silencing.

Today, I’ve decided to silence a lot of voices, and the air when silenced is much clearer, alluring and just happier.

I was working on silencing my anxiety, which came out of nowhere these last two weeks. As you probably know, I’m quite occupied this year with my double teacher-assistance jobs and my sophisticated university courses.. What really brought me to the edge was the fact that I was falling behind studies, which didn’t happen for like years. This makes me realise how perfectionistic my life was, and it created those unrealistic standards I had to live up to in order to reach the comfort zone, where fear and worry melted away. But this year, I’m more challenged to actually fall behind, but go ahead in building myself up in different, more beneficial ways. It’s what those voices failed to acknowledge.

A few days ago, I was fatigued; had coffee for the first time in two months to stop me from yawning, raced alongside my heart beats and restless thoughts. It got to the point when I had to disappear to the bathroom when I got home just to breathe in and out clearly and slowly, but in my head, all I saw was the work I had do and all the lessons I had to cover. My heart would start racing again, and I would breathe and breathe— but to no avail.

Also, I’m back to the point where I’m missing cycles again and it’s nerve-wrecking, and it just allowed everything to collapse. My self-care regime resonated as obsolete and I was starting to give up on myself, step by step.

But I told those voices to shut up.

This year is one of the best in my life, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m learning, growing, feeling appreciated and challenging my comfort zone every single day and that makes all the difference in the world. But to take this for granted and give a chance for anxiety to lacerate my life? No way!

I silenced those voices calmly, forming a smile on my face, quietly educating my mind to maintain its grace. I have the capability to be productive despite the tremendous workload, and time will prove itself adequate and lengthy. I know they’re only thoughts— sabotaging ones, but I ought not let them control the way I will remember this year in the future.

I would like to look back and find the originality in my happiness, fruits of hard work and shortening fluctuations along the linearity of my balance. Balance used to be such a far-fetched concept, but it’s closer when I think about it now.. because it’s easier to accept myself and most importantly, nurture it.

I need to start taking steps again towards my health, which I consider a priority. I spend my free time listening to those amazing podcasts that bring me steps closer to what it is like to live a balanced, healthy lifestyle. And you know what? I feel like I deserve that, unlike before. I believe that I no longer need to cause pain or harm to myself, in order to prove that I’m worthless and whatnot. That era is over, I think and I hope.

I don’t mind spending months in the process of getting over my anxiety, because I know it will be truly worth it. And that reminds me, I would like to end 2017 with unconditional love towards myself, because I’m not doing this just for me, but for everyone.

I’d like to be able to easily love and show it to others instead of making the choice to hide away. I want to be there next summer for my sister and actually be able to hug and kiss her limitlessly. I know that this will only be accomplished if I just be a little bit selfish for a while, prioritise my well-being over anything else.

And I’m doing a great job, I really am.