Preoccupied.

just a nostalgic moment. missing those trees on the side of the road.

It mesmerises me how much I've changed these past few years, or more specifically, matured. I remember calling myself that lax, calm and sedentary-loving person who would enjoy time doing nothing at all. But it's all disparate now, and I can't manage to basically sit down for 10 minutes without having something real and thought-provoking on my mind. 

Last year, around this time, just before I created this blog (it's almost a year old!), my life was floating in boredom and it was agitating. Had I the choice, I would have done more things to make my day more exciting but I had limited ideas; ones that revolved around taking courses in random fields and getting alienated by them in a week's time. However, things have started to change this year hence my status right now; I'm preoccupied.

Perhaps it's because I'm taking a step forward towards the niche that best suits my passions and interests and I'm more able to link my daily life occurrences with them. Also, I'm working and hustling all day long by this freelance teacher assistant job that I do not extremely enjoy but find rather therapeutic. I detest sitting all day long on the laptop just typing and typing and dealing with those glitches and 'not responding' episodes but still, I find it amazing. 

I find it calming not to have to think about my problems and internal struggles (especially after I had let it all out) for hours at a time. Yes, sometimes it's stressful to deal with mistakes and failures yet, at the end of the day, I note to make an improvement to thank God every time I fall into one. Because it is an opportunity to grow and gain skills and be productive. It's a method to let go of this crippling perfectionism. It's a way to find more along the way.

One thing I tracked these past few days is my inability to deal with multitasking. I mean I could, but I'm not exactly excellent with it. There is always some inauthenticity when I get to do more than one thing at once, and I don't get to give the target my all. So, these past two weeks, I haven't been contacting people I would have liked to talk to, even my sister. I need to be fully present in my experiences, it's something my identity opts to do, especially when it comes to emotional situations. To support, have deep and meaningful conversations, it requires clarity from me, and not a mind full of erratic thoughts and plans.

Anyway, I'm grateful. Somehow, my eating habits have improved and I'm trying to stick to the mindfulness and my intuition. Also, I have created some weekly and daily rituals for self care and self love that I might update you with sooner or later, just to keep myself in sync with my body's needs. Do you think I could ever be at peace with myself?

For now, I'm observing my body and watching out for signs. Trying to see what works and what doesn't. Trying to find a way out. Trying to stop trying and just go for it right away. :)

I have some posts in mind. Did I ever tell you that I actually went to Budapest this summer? Well, I didn't mention it. Anyway, I seriously need to overload you with pictures. (:

Let me sleep grateful tonight.