Addicted.

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I'm addicted to waking up in the morning a few minutes before the sun rises up before me. I love being greeted by the crisp breeze as I'm unable to fully grasp the view in front of me, because my eyes aren't quite used to the enormity of light, having woken up after a magnitude of darkened dreams. I love hearing the blackbirds chirping. I love waking up feeling grateful.

I'm addicted to going to the balcony sometime after sunset, when the sky becomes beautifully violet, trying to capture the particular moment when my eyes would see the world in grey, but I'm always disappointed as the street lights switch on a minute too soon. 

I'm addicted to spending the hour before I sleep in the balcony, staring at the sky. I had discovered a triangle of stars, always pointing to the north. More specifically, it points in quite a three-dimensional manner upwards, towards the space full of mystery and chimerical magic. 

And during that hour, I'm addicted to reminisce. Critically rewinding my memories. I try to watch myself doing the things I regret, hoping to turn back in time, to make those moments unearthly.

I remember the summer afternoon on which my sister was watching things on her phone in boredom, and I was clutching mine too. I was supposed to drag her out of the sofa and grab the paints and start to colour. But instead, I was clutching my phone, rummaging for inspirational quotes and self-help articles. I had promised myself to dedicate every second of my time to make memories with my sister but that afternoon, I didn't exactly keep my promise, and how it brings me an invincible pain in my chest.

But right now, I'm addicted to forgiving myself, to loosen up that inner critic. In this way, I'm actually disciplining my soul, allowing it to look only forward. To focus on repairing the damage I've done these past years.

It might not be a beautiful memory, but I'm glad I'm addicted to rearranging the array of the many moments I have in mind. Because with them, I shall discover my journey towards self-acceptance.

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