A Matter of Strength.

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As much as I believe my intuition is a virtue, in my society, it's often taken as granted. In order to win, I need to act tough. I need to act as if I'm invincible. I need to act whatever happens doesn't affect me.

More that I used the word 'act' instead of be, and that is where the problem comes. I cannot act, I can only be. And even those times I act in, I fail hideously. 

The other day, I was supposed to meet a teacher to pick up some work materials. We were supposed to meet on a specified hour in some place. 5 minutes before, I was already in the venue, waiting as usual.

Half an hour passed, and she did not come.

I called, she said there was traffic but it was already clearing up.. she promised me another fifteen minutes. So I waited.

I waited for an hour and a half. I was forced to leave because I was in the car, sweating and getting a sun stroke, with the temperature at its highest peak for the day.

My dad, of course, was nervous. It was disrespectful to keep me waiting on false information, and I agree. The thing is, I didn't feel angry at all. I didn't even feel I was disrespected.

Because in my mind, I can imagine that teacher being caught in traffic, hoping that it would clear up in order to meet me in time. I felt that when she called me promising the fifteen minutes, it was all built up on hopes. She didn't want to disappoint me, to disrupt the meeting, to mix things up.

I understood, and with understanding comes forgiveness. And with forgiveness, there is no room for anger.

When I came home, my dad lectured me on how weak I am, how I'm not able to defend my rights, how I shall be taken for granted and used in the future if I don't learn to be strong and capable soon. 

Now, I'm terrified. Am I human enough? Am I going to be able to face all those awful people in my society that I'll probably have to deal with? 

Will I be hurt? Will I be taken for granted? Will my understanding scar me?

Sometimes it's difficult to make a choice on whether I should change or stay the same. My intuition is useful when I'm writing and creating but in other situations when I'm out there.. in the world.. facing people and their double-triple faces.. it's catastrophic.

Today morning, I was supposed to go to work. But I was terrified, I even panicked and was on a verge of a meltdown on the way. I was scared to face those people and get disrespected, even if it was never their intention. Will try crush me just because I seem so vulnerable? 

Perhaps I'm still not grown up. Or I am, but my personality was built for an ideal world. A world of understanding, respectful and civilised people. 

Sadly, such a world does not exist.

And I'm in a dilemma. 

Am I strong enough?

Comments

  1. Anonymous14/09/2017, 13:12

    There is strength in weakness softness and vulnerability. True a rose must have a few thorns to protect it but it's beauty is in its softness at the end.

    Keep writing beautifully and growing as you do

    - Avid Reader

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Soraya14/09/2017, 15:38

      It's what I used to believe. But somehow when reality kicks in, the ideals of beauty and strength kind of change. However, I'm not willing to change myself for society. I'm comfortable with being me, and it will lead me to the perfect place, I just need o be strong enough to believe and have faith in the world. Thank you for your comment, anon. You delight me.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous14/09/2017, 16:45

    You're right but a flawed society is not worth changing for. As yourself said it'll take you to where you belong that's why always be Soraya and you will be where you belong

    ReplyDelete
  3. Asmaa AbdelLatif22/09/2017, 11:23

    You're beautiful at heart and this is all it takes to be a human: to feel human. Handling society needs a shield around that beautiful heart of yours. The shield does not mean you should change, but as you say: "it's a matter of strength."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Soraya24/09/2017, 16:12

      Thank you so much for this advice. It's not I who is to change, but I should create a shield to prevent the cold insensitivity of our society from getting at me. :)

      Delete

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