Watching Those Thoughts.

As I mentioned in this post, I have taken a new step towards my wellness journey which I seriously started about a year ago. I have been reading endless articles about methods to calm anxiety, boost self-confidence as well as self-care rituals that would actually impact me for a long time. After watching several YouTube videos about the subject of gratitude journals, I thought I'd go for it.

What happened was something like magic.

What I did was:
- Write out the things I am thankful for.
- Improvements/expectations for the day.
- An inspiring mantra.

The result was that, a smile instantly formed on my face even though some days were particularly tough, especially when I had to deal with episodes of emotional eating, bouts of hormonal imbalance and moodiness. Starting my day with positive affirmations allowed me to actually live up to my expectations and actually be present, translate those affirmations into reality and make the best out of each day. One day, I was suffering from acute bloating and stomach ache (hormonal imbalance accompanied by IBS-like symptoms) and just woke up the day after binging on cake. I was, of course, wrapped up in emotional pain and self-hate but I just quickly told myself to calm down and forgive myself rather than beat myself up, like every single time. I wrote some affirmations out in a nurturing way that melted away all of my anger and shame and it was all okay and I realised how negative my anxiety usually is as it holds the power to disrupt my mindset and add a toppling confusion. Everyday, I learn a new technique that aids me in healing.. and some emotional mess does rise up every once in a while.. but I accept it more willingly now, rather than just wish the day to end and I am really grateful for that.

Another thing I started doing is meditating, using the "Headspace" app. I used to meditate before but I must admit I wasn't doing it correctly. Too often, I'd drift off and envision things rather than exert the effort to be aware and observant of my thoughts instead of being a participant. Using this app, I realised that my negative thoughts are like stormy clouds that I usually stand under and run away from. There would always be some adrenaline involved that would cause those panic attacks to creep up to me. But now I know that I need not run away from those clouds and just find a calm place to sit down and watch those clouds float away, till the blue sky would appear. I'd put each fear in a cloud and envision them in my mind, being blown by the wind. A moment later, it would all be okay because it was only a passing moment.. one filled with so much vigour and disruptive energy but as anything else, it is temporary.

For the past few days, I am more calm and serene. Something in my subconscious just urges me to find the positivity hidden in the mysteries of each day; there is always a smile to find and plaster on others faces... there is always a kind compliment or a small achievement that keeps me going. Today, last year, I was actually writing an email to my friend on how difficult baby steps are.. how unnoticeable they seem to be but here I am, cherishing their profound effect. Sometimes, you just have to start and allow the momentum to do its job to keep you moving forward. A year ago, I'd relapse once a week but the thought now seems too impossible after that long, emotionally-twisting journey. There is just too much progress to be accountable for and they quite cover up the mistakes that rise up to the surface every once in a while. I am healing. and I must admit that I am proud of myself. This is an extremely difficult statement for me to actually say because it might sound vain and too selfish but I refuse to give in. I'm steps away from actually living life to the fullest and I know that tribulations shall come, sooner or later. But I am free from those little voices that attack me, I am free from the boundaries I set on myself and thus, I am free to tackle those tribulations in peace of soul. I believe in God so much for there are signs and omens everywhere and it's so much easier to actually smile after a tough day and thank God for the training and sustenance He is bestowing upon me. Before, I would channel myself in a vicious cycle of victimisation and self-hatred but my soul is stronger now to move forward and be open to the solutions that are present only if we are aware.

I want to thank everyone who listened to my rants and appreciated the time I must spend in that phase of healing. Thank you for showing me I am normal despite the queer attitudes I must have portrayed. Thank you for not leaving me when I spent weeks in isolation, pushing you away. Thank you for being true and loyal, and I can't ask for more. Thank you for the friendship you gave me. :)