Rough Waters.

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Last week was pretty tough in miscellaneous ways that are too painful to describe. Let me start by saying that I didn't feel like myself; my intuition was shadowed by some kind of fear I have not witnessed before. To be honest, I had anxiety attacks on several nights on which I'd end up shaking, crying and not being able to breathe. On those nights I asked myself "why?". Why I was feeling that way? What was happening to me? What is so secretly concealed within that it rising up to the surface and changing everything? Why? Why? Why?

When I'm afraid, I'm usually tense and shivery but this time, the fear was deeply embedded and it just caused me to be so overcast by worries and false identities of myself. My behaviours explained a lot; I didn't laugh nor smile, wasn't even able to hug my sister, awful episodes of emotional eating that would lead me to beating myself up the whole day and most importantly, a self-hate I couldn't control.

Last night just defined everything. I had a bad headache and as I laid beside my sister to go to sleep, she started crying, asking me why I was leaving tomorrow. I was speechless. I didn't have any unearthly words to say.. I wasn't myself. I wasn't the happy, fantastical and dreamy Soraya I always thought I was. When she finally went to sleep, I broke down. I stayed up hours shaking, feeling my insides get ripped and twisted. I felt like I was going to die and the thought was highly pleasing, too. I couldn't control anything.. and as my body just reacted silently to this storm, I was just in pain. Hate started surrounding every cell in my body miserably. Even my own touch was agonising and the way my arms situated themselves naturally on my waist hurt. Exhausted, I got up and went to the bathroom, allowed the tears to stream without being heard and just sat down on the floor.. and let it be.

Today, I'm in the airplane after a sorrowful goodbye in the airport. I just let the tears go uncontrollably. The emotions I felt were profusely mixed up; ranging from longing, self-hate, fear and pity. I refused to bottle the emotions up because it's not really healthy. Sometimes I believe letting it all out is not healthy, too, but I'm sure keeping all that stress in my body will have some tremendous effects and I don't want to deal with them, sooner or later. Slowly, as the clouds are passing, I'm building up a new hope and a new ambition. This summer had been good to me, and there were some horrifying lapses but overall, I'm so grateful. Perhaps I didn't fulfill all of the emotional achievements I would have liked but, it's alright. I didn't give my sister the love she deserved, didn't respect myself with balance and nutrition, didn't do so much to open up and let my heart out. But I have all the time in the world, don't I? I have my whole life to work on it and I'm glad there is always a second chance. A third. Fourth. Infinite. It doesn't matter.


I'm happy that I'm going back and I'll be able to work more in my safe routine. I'll get back to exercising and back to my shape. I have work waiting for me, and more lessons to learn. For now, I just want to deal with the fear that I had experienced last night.. was I afraid of being emotionally abused again? Was it a fear of not being loved? Of being alone? Of finding nothing to do?

I always forget; the world balances itself out eventually. Everything will be okay. Everything will turn out not as I planned, and that's the best decision I could ever make, not to think about it. Not to fear, worry or anticipate. Magic will happen although not as swiftly and promptly.

It will be okay. 

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