Hush, baby.

"Stop your crying."

"Dry your tears."

"Don't cry."

"Calm down."

Aren't these statements we hear everyday? In every song? In every drama?

For the first time, I truly understand the importance of crying although I did not decipher it at first. Holding it back and creating this overwhelmingly fake positive energy while a mind is blaring with storming sadness isn't always a good choice. It isn't always healthy. It isn't healing.

The last 3 years, I've been teaching myself not to break down. My tears were some kind of sign of weakness that I didn't like to deal with for I had to spend the night concealing the sounds and yelps accompanied by those tears. To make things easier, I made a choice to hold back those strong and true emotions. To feel them inwardly. To let them reincarnate within my body and blow me up later on. I didn't understand.

Sometimes I wonder why I get those episodes of extreme helplessness and sadness. Also, I wonder why in random places and times,

I get this tendency to be unlimitedly wretched and disheartened. Why, at times when I feel like I'm not getting what I want, I wouldn't be able to control my tears and breaths? I was willing to discover the answers and I think I'm revealing a part of the truth I've been holding within all along.

I wasn't true to myself.

I took my tears and emotions as a kind of struggle and weakness, not a human trait. I felt that crying was so useless and too loud, and that it was getting me nowhere. Those three years of saying goodbye to my mom and sister in the airport, I would prepare myself before with affirmations to stay strong, to hold up a blank face. To smile?

But then I'd get back to Egypt and feel all confused outwardly and within. My body would tense up, retain those untamed feelings in places that would affect my sanity and mindfulness through all those stress-related symptoms that would wreck me up. Lead me to feeling like I'm dying, somehow.

How could I not see through this? I thought I was doing the right thing. To cover up. Act positive and charming when everyone was breaking down. I was, but I didn't honour it. 

I read an article the other day that water, alone, is one healing element. In those tough days, tears can really heal some of the ailments rising to the surface. It allows the body to process it physically after the soul had its time being tormented by its presence. Like unkempt lava in  a volcano, it will burst sooner or later. 

So I won't shush myself any longer, because it is human to cry. Now, I'm giving myself a chance to cry every single day if I really want to but surprisingly, after the long hours I spent with tearful eyes in the airport and plane, I no longer feel like it. There is peace, and every time I think of my sister, there is no that kind of longing I used to feel before. I let my body deal with it. To overcome the sadness and trauma combined, I've allowed those to coalesce and give me the chance to evolve and head to something newer. Perhaps in the coming days, my soul will be done processing some other negativity, and I'll have to let it out too. 

Crying is painful and it's not that simple, because we have been taught to resist it. To cover up at school. Our teachers made us go to the bathroom to wash our face an dry our tears rather than letting us be. Our parents tried to stop the tantrum by handing us candy when we seemed uncontrollable. We have been socialised, and I see how far I must go to let all those teachings come undone.

Perhaps crying is not the only solution to our problems, but as you spend years trying to heal and grow, you are already fixing those issues. You are already doing a great job. You are amazing. Everyday, you are fighting through to feel better, but what about what is in your past? We are bodies. We store the memories and entanglements of time, but just let your instrument do the work. 

It's like tuning the guitar. You've got to try out those untuned chords a couple of times to get the right sound, eventually. You've got to experience what's been concealed and shadowed in your existence.. you've got to let it all out.

But tonight I am smiling, I'm processing the good vibes, the productivity and sprouting hopes and ambitions. I'm proud of my soul and my body, too. Thank you for making me discover a new step every single day.

Shh, now let me sleep.