August.

That's a pretty late post but I can't help it. There are so many things going on at the moment; too many vibes, moments to cherish, wounds to heal.. etc. It's has been like that in August lately. I think this month is quite impacting for everyone as it signifies endings of beautiful summer times, school work and more life chapters to finish reading. It's rather tragic to hold on to August with this longing attitude because who doesn't feel rather tempted to shed some tears as the trees start to colourise and the weather gets cooler? Doesn't it just shake you a little? Every August, I witness the life cycle in saddening airs because I tend to dwell on the hope of spring and the presence of summer. I wish I could just go back to February right now, and watch the spring all over again.

I love you.

But it doesn't work that way, does it? I've got to move on, shed some airport tears, go back to Egypt and work it all out. There is a fear gnawing on the edges of my blooming spirit and it's not doing good to ignore it. But I find it easier now, compared to some years before. I remember spending one August night crying, wishing to just stay here in Poland forever. I remember watching my eyes bleed in the airplane as I watched my sister's pictures and heard music on my own. I remember feeling awful, wanting to run away from myself. But I moved on in the end, and we all do. There were always some distractions; school, IGCSE subjects, friend visits..

What shall distract me this year?

Although it's heart-breaking to just be so vulnerable and let the tears out, I think it's the best thing to do. I don't really want to feel this pain within me and get haunted by this acute emotional tendency to break down. I want to just let it be even though it's so... excruciating. As I am writing this post, my heart is twisting and I feel some tears rolling down my cheeks. But it's okay.. it will be okay.

I will make my distractions worthwhile. I'll let them build me up and help me grow. I will learn to love winter and not isolate myself any longer. I will be the initiative to create the opportunities... I don't have to wait for them anymore. I will create some attachments to ground me; a sprouting love, a therapeutic routine, amazing people to be around with. I need to stop complaining that I don't feel at home in Egypt.. I need to make myself one. Perhaps I need to start to leap towards my goals; this blog, my book and entrepreneurship plans. The longing of feeling at home will haunt me like a misty veil, but I will let it just be there. It's a part of my identity and life and I accept it fully. The fact that I am separated from my own mother and sister is the reason I am different, unique and special. It's the most fertile ground for strength and achievement. I already know that.

And I'll love you a little bit more.

I'll let those August memoirs of packed bags, airport drives and swollen eyes impact me a little. I'm human.. I was build to feel this pain.

It will be alright. I wonder what the next August shall bring.