Listening.

I listen too much sometimes and stay quiet, not because I don't like to speak but that it's easier to let those human and inhuman voices soak my mind and feel them resonate in my brain, bringing about a million thoughts. You'd think because of that, I usually speak of wisdom and truth but honestly, I am the most ridiculous talker you'd ever meet and I lack those conversational skills, except when talking to people I love most. But other than that, I'm really boring, thick and giggly so I prefer to smile and nod my head, then continue the rest of the conversation when it's over, reviewing the lines I should have said differently to make it more magical.

I'm also the worst talker there ever was when it comes it comes to my own self. I keep listening to my intuition, keep searching in its depths and climb its mountains but then when I am supposed to talk and actually respond, I fail. It might be because of fear or anxiety, but mostly because I don't believe in my ability to act wisely. I just don't believe in myself well enough to respond and do the crazy things my existence dreams of.

The idea of balance intrigues me, but my journey towards it was quite an uneasy one. The parabolas constituting my mood were so extremely felt that I didn't know what to do.. I was lost in a dimension of myself and there was no way out to like, return to the ground after skyrocketing for so long. However, just a few days ago, I sat alone and realised that balance was all about the response to what I am listening to. I have pondered and stayed quiet for so long now, where are my actions? How do I honour my fluctuations? How do I actually sync myself with who I am if I never translated who I really was to reality?

I visualise balance as a ripple resonating from an inner sound- it could be a tiny one, a wave, or a tsunami. Keeping those vibrations and energies within my ocean will never show the world who I really am; I'll turn into a still lake, ferment inside out and perish. That makes sense to me, it really does because, how many times did I actually feel lost and estranged from my purpose and meaning? How many days did I feel like I was nothing?

Because I actually was nothing. I was nothing on the outside- I couldn't prove to myself that I was alive and breathing.. moving.. growing. 

Here and now, it's rather different; no one is stopping me from being inspired, so I'm actually doing all the kind of things I initially want to do. I have the time, love and endless inspiration and most importantly, no one is there to reign me. I just do what makes me feel alive.

These days are rather life-transforming for me although I can't promise they will change anything on the outside, but they are doing a lot to me, from within. I can't believe that I held so much potential and dreams that aren't as silly as I thought before. I'm just rearranging my thoughts accordingly, to fit them into more realisable plans and goals rather than the occasional dreams.

I know what balance is now. I know where it comes from. I really want to get there.