Dear Journal,

I decided to start a series of blog posts called "Dear Journal" that would consist of one journal entry I made on a particular day in the past. I think it would be a good way to reflect upon issues and situations that occurred to me that would eventually lead me to learn from my mistakes, appreciate my efforts and let not time just slip through my fingers without me being aware of each and every happening, whether good or bad, because I've got one life to live and I want to make it one to remember when I'm dead.

"15.06.2016

Hey diary, I don't feel so well, I have no idea where my soulful disposition escaped, but wherever that place is.. It's within someone because I have firmly concluded that I could be defined in a terse phrase which is : resilient.

Yeah, I am resilient. I shape up accordingly to circumstance, especially people. This year I've been surrounded by practical ones, not those kindred spirits that allow your soul to ebb on top of your world. They're ordinary, and they get sad, angry and depressed like everyone else. I think that had some serious impact on me. When I'm near those kindred spirits, I feel no reason to be emotional, because I am me, and I can find myself within those surrendering spirits and whatever. My personality is not that stern, I mold myself with my surroundings. I'm a watery element after all.

I don't know, I don't feel so hopeful this year. Summer is approaching and I am about to travel inshaAllah, but why do I feel this urge to be pessimistic about what's to come? Why do I feel that I'll discover many health implications within me? Why do I feel like my sister will become an unknown figure, and that I'll fail to communicate with her? Why do I feel so alone? I think I have a whirlpool of emotions kept inside me, all since that August day, I think. I'm keeping so much inside and I'm so near exploding. I dislike that, really. I feel like everything is wrong, and wherever I am heading is an illusion of a thought that just keeps me breathing for the next day. I let go my sorrows each day, but find a wave of hopelessness spitting out from every tongue, from the eyes around me, from the attitudes in frequency with the atmosphere. So I feel guilty to be hopeful and to retain those positive spirits because they are too detached from reality, I'm that kind of person who can live a life lead by daydreams and make-beliefs but uninterrupted ones. Ones that I can live in for a couple of nights, in an oscillation within the accompanying spirits in that world. But being crushed by reality which is so near to me is kind of depressing and confusing. I cannot dwell in that world anymore, I'm afraid.

Oh, I don't mean to daunt you, but I thought I ought to be truthful about everything. I am tired of habituating myself to convince my mind that things will turn out alright, when they don't. It's just a recurring bout of pessimism in each turn. 

Sorry not sorry."

So here you are, one journal entry I made last year when I was sinking in dark depths of sadness and anxiety, it was a really difficult time for it felt like there is no end. I was destined to this sorrow, uncertainty and loneliness. I thought I was being punished in this world and I was looking for any way to be dead. Some nights, I tried imagining myself dying from an illness just to escape from this burdening twisted mess within me.

But alas, here I am, quite satisfied with life. Yes, there are many downturns, but I'm coping and aiming for the best way to do so. I learned that things do get better when you finally face your fears and admit that you have to change; accept the joy, let bad habits go and learn to live intuitively. Every time I see someone breaking down in front of me, I know what they're going through and sometimes advice is so irrelevant in that case. It takes time and many affirmation to just let the sorrow go. But it gets better once you set your heart on it.

I promise.