Alone, yet not entirely.

A few years ago, you'd hardly recognise me standing in the middle of a group of friends, making them laugh hysterically, lively telling stories and listening actively to everybody. I considered myself social; I craved outings with my friends despite the fact I had minimal chances of going out with them and I would even cry at night when I would see my friends enjoying Thursday nights while I was at my desk, surrounded by books.

How did I turn into such an antisocial person who is extremely anxious when around people? I mean, I wouldn't be fretful around my intimate friends but still, I'm not that person I was before. I mean, even around the friends that I've been with for almost ten years, I feel so distant, so unworthy of their friendship. I always  envision myself as the lame, boring girl in the gang who has absolutely nothing to say just because she is afraid to say something you won't find amusing. I regard myself as disliked, or more precisely, least liked. It agitates me, and just stops me from being around everyone. I'm afraid of their judgement, and it's no wonder why I appear so quiet when you talk to me, for clearly, I believe the sentences structure in my mind wouldn't be accepted.

That's what I found out at college. At first, I thought I'd be attracted by those highly affiliated people who just create gangs in a snap of their fingers. But no, it wasn't really like that. I found myself surrounded by people who actually laughed at my ideas, I saw their eyes goggle up when I talked about my daily activities, my love for knowledge and my dearest dreams. I felt so unaccepted, so different and away from everyone else. I don't blame the others, they might be beautiful from the inside, but I cannot just be embraced by them; living their structured stereotypical lives, doing the things everyone else does, forsooth being indifferent.

However, my values conflict that, and I'm not highly adaptive with such mind wars. Some days I just force myself to stand with a couple of girls, saying eccentric words, paraphrasing soap operas and so forth. I then feel so uncomfortable, so detached, to the extent that I excuse myself for a walk in the sun, where I walk reading poetry instead.

I know it's all within me. I know the problem is my idealistic view of people. I feel so disappointed in myself somehow because thinking it over, the matter raises suspicions of me being too vain and stuck up. Am I? I hate the thought of ever considering myself as proud when being down to Earth and innocently humble just melts my heart with compassion and empathy towards everyone. Am I serving my ego the whole time by avoiding everyone just because they're not my type?

The worst thing is that, I'm craving human interaction these days. I haven't like wholeheartedly laughed in ages lest had those warm deep conversations with a loved one. I miss being accepted, loved and truly depended-upon. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. Maybe I'm supposed to have that spirit that strives to help everyone but never gets a share of that intimacy in return.. maybe I'm just incompatible. But I just miss people, and the loneliness that bestows upon me like an sheath of unmelting ice that shatters my skin, freezes my heart and greys the backgrounds of my eyes- while I'm in a room surrounded by hordes of people is such an eerie feeling. I never thought I'd be so alone despite the crowd with their roaring resonating laughter than never touches my soul.