November.

So, yesterday, my dad opened up my health issues. He was kind, gentle and affirming. However, he said that I was pressurising him with how I neglect myself, malnourish my body while I'm growing and building myself up. I told him that I was okay, of at least more okay than before (that 'before' refers to three years ago). I didn't lie, but I wasn't so truthful either. I wish I were more truthful but I was afraid to burst my bubble and feel all weak and fragile again. I just nodded my head confirming his views on how sabotaging I am. Because I am. But I will fix that.

Forsooth, November had been a pleasant month. The purple sunrises, the dusky plummy dusks, the ultramarine-blue skies and lastly, the crisp chilly blue winds. I love it when the winds are blue, of course they just feel blue. Some winds are yellow and sandy, blowing from the southern lands, some are maroon with heat and humidity, and some are blissfully green, subtle and rejuvenating. The blue winds kind of make my cheeks pink from cold, make my irises more clarified and sharp, blowing the impurities from the atmosphere, perfecting the world. It's such an idealistic, unreal wind and that's why I kind of relate to it.. I'd never felt so much like myself in November, but this one was agreeably disparate.

Although it's ending, it somehow imprinted a fossil in me, that I might discover it's preciousness and royalty in the years to come. Fossils are such patient consequences, and whatever I shall start doing from today will take the same procedure. I need to be patient, I need to bury my efforts deep into my identity and soul, and just let it be, stop digging them up for a long time, and just let them evolve through time and space. In a few years or a couple of months or God knows when, I'll find my jewels in sight, and I'll cherish them for their timely appearance. I need to convince myself that, even though it's hard, and I can't cope with changing my ways completely. Yet, I'm done with moping. Im sick of it. Today, my energy is crude and fragrant. I'll fight and struggle to keep it that way as long as I live.

I haven't been sleeping so well lately, which is so bizarre because I haven't suffered from any sleeping disturbances for three years now. My nights are usually soundless and swift. But for a few days, I take so long until I fall asleep, and I keep replaying the incidents.. analysing my feelings until they come alive with a motion I can actually see before me. I have weird dreams, too. I don't know. This is a really huge transition for me. I'm afraid and anxious. But it's the right thing for me to do. Will it ever work out? As long as there's love and dedication, it will. So, que sera, sera.

Thank you November. You had been brilliant. It's my turn now. :)

Soraya.