The Truth about Self-care.

I used to read the word "self-care" and automatically feel traumatised by it. I felt that excruciatingly deep pain within my body that echoed loudly with every tribulation. I know I wasn't doing anything for my body or my soul, either. When I read those self-love rituals or whatever on the Internet, those disheartening articles that included things like take bubble baths, eat chocolate, drink coffee, do what you love.. and the list goes on and on. Well, I kept reading those things until I felt I didn't fit anymore, I wasn't doing any of those things, did that mean I hated my body? Deep down, I knew I wanted to love my body. I wanted to build a genuinely real and respectful bond with my soul and physique.

That road was full of trials, I tried staying in and having warm bubbly baths, drinking coffee and applying lotion on my skin but I didn't actually feel good at all. I loathed myself even more. I felt like I was being deceitful, because my idea of self-love was actually taking ice cold showers, drinking lemon water in the morning and overworking myself to death during running or swimming. I felt flourished. I felt invincible. My cells swam in a pool of serotonin. So taking a warm bath would inevitably cause me to feel awful.

I also knew that I wasn't pleasing my body with those rituals, I was comforting my ego, giving it more power. But I was weak and vulnerable, I had no one at that time, I was all alone and no one clearly understood what I was going through, the notion of being detached from the only thing that made me feel quite okay petrified me. I lived in denial, I knew I needed help, I needed to go to a doctor to get my body checked up, I also need led a therapist because I was sick and tired of all those night I spent crying, or all those mornings I nearly fainted from panic attacks. But I had to go through these moments alone but still feeding my ego on self-destructive habits.

So I know that there are people out there struggling and having no idea how to please themselves, or truly care about their bodies and souls. I think the best way is to be truly be confident about what makes you happy. If it's going for walks and not running even though you're obese, don't stress yourself. Respect your intuition because no two are truly and wholly identical. If you feel great spending an afternoon playing with your dog instead of taking some human-development courses, do that too. However, sometimes those pleasures will only serve your ego and be truly destructive to your wellbeing like when smoking is truly appealing and you know you're young enough to stop death from creeping up on you. That's when you ought to take real steps and stop meddling with your soul. Sometimes it will take time and you might find yourself convincing your own mind that it will be alright even if you aren't taking any step towards change. That was what I was thoroughly experiencing, it took me a whole year to actually go to a doctor and take medications. That was a step I needed to take a long time ago, but I felt that things were bound to be fixed any time soon. That was undoubtedly flagrant. So if you want to stop drinking or smoking or abusing yourself, maybe you should spend your time self-talking, and saying some endearing things to yourself like: what you're going through right now is a foundation that shall build a newer you, you are strong enough to do it, everything happens for a reason. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to admit that you had been deceitful and cunning and entirely neglected your true soul. But you can write it down and forgive yourself as a first step. The next days, you'll find yourself truly opposing those words, your habits are too strong, they are profusely engrained within you, you'll feel the pain of resistance and you'll give up through and through. But that's okay, it's painful, and no one will understand you. Some people are able to defeat those voices right away and transform, slowly and step by step. Some people are just born like that. But some (like me) can't just let go, especially without support. That's when you should get up the first thing in the morning and go to a doctor, join a support group, talk to a therapist and do things that will externally affect you. They will provide you with an energy that will push you to the next step, then both your intuitive and external energies shall collide and allow you to transform and seek a better life. It's not so easy either, it is a path full of anxiety and worry, moments of self-doubt and lack of confidence, but I tell you that once you listen to yourself and respect your soul, a beautiful voice will reassure you. That's the sound of God within you, your instinct, the echo of fate.

Be true to yourself. We are miracles twisted through the magic of time. The future shall reveal us, all.

Soraya.