a daylight dream

it’s been days of returning home to a melancholy so cantankerously foreign. the melancholy of a dissolving future, an annihilation of vivid dreams, the dissolution of what was once real. it’s been days of not being able to eat a morsel of food without feeling the gnawing pain at the pit of my stomach. the sparkle in my eye fading from suddenly not giving a damn about most of the things I cared so much about before. there’s a screaming inner child in me. she can’t take it anymore. she wants to  leave . it feels easy in theory. I could just pack my bags and leave, find myself in an airplane arriving in the bitterness of November and to all this calming snow.    the coldness would freeze my anger for a while, the grey skies would turn the vividness of all these conflicting thoughts into a monocolour scheme. I’d feel calmer, for sure. more stable. I know I’ll be okay. at least much better than here. the hardest thing perhaps is the fact that I must give up on love— and love m...

somewhere in between your magnetic touch, I was teleported into the in-betweenness of worlds. the infinite  oh s, my fingers in yours. our fingertips delicate enough to spin the entire world into motion. something miraculous brewing in the background of your limitless love. I stop midway and catch my breath. something in my heart breaks. something of a metallic cling— sharp, harsh, formidably tough. something of a cold, haunted memory I don’t want to touch. you hold my hand and catch those sunken clouds from falling too hard and place that beautiful hand of yours on my heart.  safe . I’m safe. oh God, I’m  safe . finally, I can lean on this shoulder. sleep deeply. dream of beautiful things that are not only fantasies. things I can touch. my freedom. my life. that pain lurking deep in my belly, that screaming voice that doesn’t fade no matter how hard I try. the shame that I have stopped to try. God, you heard my plea that late May night, kneeling down with tears too hot t...

it is quite a treacherous path to demand what is righteous for oneself. an achingly questionable one— where selflessness counters the integrity in healing one’s life path being enclosed in labels such as selfishness, neediness and desire. I’m not used to wanting much from this life. alas, there is not much I deeply want but to live in remembrance and in the grace of seeing the otherworldly light emanating from heavenly scapes in which the truth flows. but here and now, I find myself demanding something new, something worldly, something temporary. in the soundlessness of a November morning, sunlit rays take their time. I return to the safety of my cocoon: its emptiness, and the palpable echoing radiance of connection and meeting oneself in His subtle presence. my heart melodises its first whimpers for so long. an  intention . oh God, I’ve been fighting for so long, my insides inflamed with its infliction. I’m exhausted, and I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been betrayed from the one a daugh...

  I found myself in tears this morning, heaving some of the toxic ashes I breathe in every now and then. they’re easier to bear now that there’s a breath of cool, fresh, minty wind that blows off the residues of my past. but when it’s still and quiet, the ashes choke me, just as they did, this morning. some years ago, I dedicated my life to become a healer. wandering through the dark alleyways of existence with a candle in one hand and the other on my heart, I’d seek the tyrannical storms and stay till they ease, till the emergence of an enchanting cloud-form. these years were well-spent, well-lived, sweetly entwined with intentions so genuine.  but it feels now that I cannot give but the  truth . my conversations are harsher now and they cut to the bone. my eyes pierce the mountainous walls built so high just to shield vulnerability away. I remain still, gentle and calm— but when I speak, it is the hurtful truth. I accept that there are some things I cannot tolerate anym...

  every crease on my shirt takes me to the world where your kiss was one breath away. one heart beat into madness, unknown limits and a reincarnation of an essence so uncannily familiar— something I was born to live with. and I’m not sure if I should change. I’m not sure if I am that bold, brave,  rebellious . there is a darkness building up, a vigilant, antithetical crimson shade in me that wants to burn this past down in ambers so forceful.  I wonder if I could actually do it. pile up my matters and leave. escape into the wilderness of a romantic wicked dream. am I supposed to follow the shrouded scars’ calls into the slit of unknown bliss?  but I missed him. I missed him all this time. I missed how he held me so terribly close, his fingertips in every part of me I was petrified to touch. I missed how I just can’t help but love myself in his light. It’s like falling into the black hole of a star that burned so bright— that shrouded mystery of something so strong, s...

  it takes only a while for me to wonder whether I was only dreaming. was it really us in all these illicit affairs? the clandestine sneaky steps I take in the freshness of dawn’s air, the first streaks of ambrosial sunshine so sweet painted on my cheeks. the stars in your eyes that lighten up the moment I see you, and everything else so cryptically cocooned in secrets, coded in colour between me and you. how sweet october is. holding your hand in the car, a language I never knew I’d know. my touch was almost cursed, turning everything into an amusing labyrinth of sadness. but it’s not like that anymore.  convoluted, branched, soft, tight,  right . your hand in mine. our fingers melting into one another. it takes one moment of us longing into one another’s eyes to find ourselves leaning back, losing ourselves in each other’s oceans. one leap and I drown, drifting into the depths of your fingers on scared spaces of a body I always thought was out of bounds. you pull me in,...

  I have few words to say to you, but much to do, and even more to express through every fingertip of mine. a prayer lost in time sent in the shape of you. a blessing. a gift that makes us become one, too. words fall apart when I’m loved by you. 13.10.2023

  it’s been as tormenting as a caterpillar’s ascent towards its first day of sunlit flights. the growing pains of moving forwards despite the cobwebs of my past chaining me down— one turn of my neck enough to show me how ugly it is, how inevitably haunting it will be, too, and that there is this one little possibility that I might never be  free . and here I go, still a caterpillar, and my head completely soaked in novel sunshine. some kind of morning glory. a bold, striking statement of enlightenment and steadfast growth. it’s downright  terrifying . and here I am, my smile as bright as this endearing October sky. I’m radiant in all the soulful abundance my soul can finally touch instead of flee away from. it’s all well. all is saved. the greatest war has commenced, and the frontline— confrontational strategies and heart-searing weapons— well-arranged. receiving grace. yet, sometimes I wonder who it is here. where do I begin? where have I gone? someone new is taking my p...

those eyes of yours were never dead. lurking like a ghost in even numbers, recurring decimals that never disappeared.   it was never dead to me. each time it was brokenness, every time it was the doubts in my affairs. every time an excuse of a different shape— to run into the ellipsis of a fairytale. it was never dead when I saw your body in the middle of the night instead of his. the sturdy intensity of a pillow my head sinks in. the ‘oh’s buried within me. the fire searing in your chest. the apologies I never let you have. the dream of your eyes spinning around the gravity that pins you down—  me . they say death brings forth the clear soulful wisp of truth; so maybe that’s why I had to kill you. just to see you. just to know you the same way I knew I’m killing a part of me, too. the unfixable in me is dying to be fixed. the unknown in me is screaming to be seen. the string of lights in my darkness is bursting just to glow. why did it take all this time to know? so hold me c...

am I really the woman you see? strong, fierce, knowing. am I really all the stars in that night sky you live your days in? am I really all  that ? it doesn’t feel right to value myself this way. I’m often outside of what I called my margins of comfort, the bitterness of my broken piano melodies emanating from the soulful wounds that never got to heal. I’m used to all of that, if not more. I’m used to constantly bringing myself down to the earth, so deeply bruised, unnoticed and invisible with all my might just to say in the dark. but this is not what this love asks for me. am I really receiving for the first time? coating myself in glimmers, I shine for you. I come across as shy, and you wonder why. you wonder why I’m hiding. you wonder why I’m not more when you see that heart of me, ferocious waves at the foot of every shore. deep down, I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of messing up. I’m afraid I’m not so strong. I’m afraid I’m undeserving of all this grace and effortless pace. I’m afrai...