is it safe?

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 it’s been as tormenting as a caterpillar’s ascent towards its first day of sunlit flights. the growing pains of moving forwards despite the cobwebs of my past chaining me down— one turn of my neck enough to show me how ugly it is, how inevitably haunting it will be, too, and that there is this one little possibility that I might never be free.


and here I go, still a caterpillar, and my head completely soaked in novel sunshine. some kind of morning glory. a bold, striking statement of enlightenment and steadfast growth. it’s downright terrifying.


and here I am, my smile as bright as this endearing October sky. I’m radiant in all the soulful abundance my soul can finally touch instead of flee away from. it’s all well. all is saved. the greatest war has commenced, and the frontline— confrontational strategies and heart-searing weapons— well-arranged. receiving grace.


yet, sometimes I wonder who it is here. where do I begin? where have I gone? someone new is taking my place. someone fiercely and prominently alive. someone taking the darkness of a brutal winter night by surprise. I’m not used to this. I’m not used to my bold steps. I’m not used to being on this mountainous climb without doubting it. and now my only doubt is whether I was truly made for this.


when you’re so used to brokenness, when you’re so used to being touched with an existential, dreadful sadness— that’s the only doubt you have: is it safe to be happy?


is it safe to break free?


is it safe to emerge in trust? 


is it safe to love again, this world, deeply and wisely?


God, is it safe to shine?

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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