November: a different light.

November was real, authentic and quite different from all the other months. I believe it is one in which the veils of sadness and weakness finally faded, by just a little. but it made me find hope again, and for that, this month is a merciful gift for my healing.

I have so much to reflect upon, and as promised, I won’t let one month go without depicting its sincerest, most secretive ways of giving thanks.

so many weekends away..

what made November special was that both my husband and I spent so much of its weekends away, travelling. first it was visiting my husband’s sister, then visiting my mom. the weekends away were quite tiresome, but a tiredness I needed to stretch myself a little. I honestly felt like I wanted to go back home most of the time, to feel more safe betwixt the boundaries of my routines, but it was an experience I needed to shake things up and help me recognise my limits. I used to be one who loved exploring a lot, and would thrive on adventures. however, I am in no state to see myself in different situations without risking a blow to my self-esteem. also, taking pictures was extremely difficult. I hated showing myself to other people and it made me feel overly insecure. but, it passed. the memories were made. I am grateful.

the mountains

we went on a trip to see the mountains and it was majestically grand to see them after such a long time. despite the discomfort of the trip, I felt quite rejuvenated connecting to the wilderness, taking in the scent of the pine trees and watching a sky full of stars. it made me realise how much I miss nature and how I need to plan for moments like these more often. my soul thrives on seeing the wilderness and even more, taking the time to appreciate it. that trip will totally change how I plan for my next year.

we went on a little hike, and in it, I saw how much I deeply appreciated the climb up. I saw my own journey in that hike and it touched a haunted part of me. I used to write on this blog a lot about loving to climb experiences and go from one thing to the next, dreaming about reaching the peak and enjoying every moment of the process. however, this peak was different for me. 

the first snowfall

November was the birth date of this winter’s very first snowfall. and oh, it did bring me so much joy. actually, I was really ill and in bed for a few days and when the snow fell down, I went out and about in joy celebrating the snow, and even eating some of it, just like a child. I was spontaneous and happy and bejewelled, watching the pure white glisten everywhere, making all seem so beautiful. I could confess I even cried a little, and so much hope burst in me that day. I have no idea why, but I felt like a different person. it impacted me so much that I made so many good decisions that week which made me feel so much closer to my idea of life, written on my own soulful terms.

the days here are dreary, to be honest. there’s very little sunlight mostly every day and moments like these just change everything.

my very own mountain climb

as I mentioned, hiking made me realise I am climbing the mountain of finding my authentic self, after years of being silently traumatised without being aware of every single dimension of it. I’ve had so many bad days this November (and as I write this, today is one of them). lately, I have been finding it hard to fall asleep. I stay up until 3 or 4 am ruminating on very difficult memories. the month before, I had terrible nightmares. this month, it’s just one flashback after the other. sometimes, they’re not flashbacks but lingering emotions from those memories that just make me feel as if i’m stuck in the past. it’s terrible, and it makes me feel so alone and so weak. I push back the tears and get on with my day, but after a few days of pushing it down, it cripples me to staying in bed all day, in tears. however, the other good days give me so much hope. I feel gratitude and bliss and I am grateful for being who I am. those days happen when good things happen, like watching the snowfall or receiving news about passing a diploma. 

I have been reminded this month that it is a mountain climb, and I need to go on. even when it’s slippery and tiring, I cannot lose faith that something will happen when I reach the peak. and in the meantime, I need to keep dreaming. I need to dream in a way that resembles my life depending on it.

hope

I felt hope in November. and in a way I haven’t felt for so long. perhaps the last time i felt that kind of hope was in June, when I looked into a cloudy sky and saw a glimpse of gratitude, or maybe in February, while my husband and I felt the warmth in being in each other’s arms. but hope, for such a long time, was one neighbour that did not felt welcome in my heart. but perhaps for the first time, especially while watching the snowfall, I felt so hopeful. I felt like this life could be a bit more beautiful in the future, that there were dreams to dream and beautiful memories to make. I just can’t forget how it felt. it felt like breathing after being suffocated for so long.

and now, I hope and dearly pray to dream some more. I hope for beautiful memories. I hope to see a culmination of progress tip over a scale and make me feel a little better. I pray to see the mercy of this universe.

thank you, November. you were a different light in my days.