a goodbye’s grief.

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there are only hours left, and the only thing I want to keep doing is stay invisible. stay in the gloaming silence of being out of reach. slipping away smoothly, making no sound, till one day I’m just not here.

I keep telling my learners “you won’t feel it when I leave”. one day, they’ll be here again, and I’ll be gone. 


my name will be a distant echo in the daylight sunshine. something to remember slightly. a remembrance that never lingers, I hope.


I just wonder what could have happened if I had been more prominently alive in this world. just imagine how it would be if I could hear and feel every single heart tear apart at the thought of me leaving. how grateful I am that my presence had always been fleeting, almost incomprehensibly inexistent. with this subtle existence, it still hurts, tremendously so. 


I’ve always dreaded goodbyes. it’s never been that difficult as it is now. 


I’ve said goodbye to every single tree I love. every single cloud. why am I tearing is what I don’t know. I’m struggling with the grief of losing so much, and losing what I could have had if it had been better.


but I need to go. the unknown scares me to my bones. I don’t know if I’ll be okay, and that’s what scares me the most. I’m scared I’ll stay sick, committed to melancholy and solitude. I’m scared I won’t be able to trust love anymore.


oh God, don’t make me lose my heart in this. if there’s one thing I need, I need to stay this heartful. I need to stay rooted in my compassion. I need to have my soulfulness, even whilst I’m at war. 


I hope, even after all this, that I can still believe in ancient, unchanged truth— and timeless love.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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