i’m on an airplane.

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 It was 2017.

it was the late summer of 2017 that I heaved in this airplane, dreading my return. my whole body ached in desperation, every atom pleading me to stay right in that airport and never turn back.


it was 2017 when I prayed for a miracle so vehemently that time stood still for a while, and it was nothing but God’s mercy that pushed me to where I am right now. it was God’s mercy that made me endure six years of fighting so hard to protect my heart. 


it was only Him..


and now I’m here again, doing what I should have done so long ago. every breath out in this airplane is countered by a rainfall. I can’t stop myself from crying, from feeling this heart beat a little bit differently. it’s racing. pumping with something more than just blood. freedom.


alas, my freedom.


it feels like an inevitable leap into the unknown. I’ve been having those incessant, wicked dreams of free falling into an abyss, a labyrinth of all my monstrous fears awaiting me. everyone has  been telling me that there is no easy way out— and even with the most detailed exit plans, there is no way but to act, and to act now.


so that’s why I’m here, in the airplane, where it’s so captivatingly beautiful, so serene and so endearingly peaceful. and there are tears in my eyes— tears of hope, fear and oh dear God, relief. I’m haunted by the enormity of my decision. I’m haunted by the repercussions of what could be sided by  the calming belief that whatever it is, it is meant to be.


even through all this, I know I’m not alone. I’m finally safe. 


I’m on an airplane.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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