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the fog has lifted.

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after a long fight, I have surrendered to what everyone has told me to do from the very start. anti-depressants. I was scared, petrified even, from taking something that would make me more of a con, remove the authenticity out of me, make me numb and emotionless. but here I am, on anti-depressants. a new professional therapist recommended it, because I wouldn’t be brave enough to open up sealed pockets from the past without feeling safe. she is right. it’s been tough living with that fog— that perpetual fear, that irritating voice that never stops threatening and accusing me of everything that goes wrong and right. no wonder why I locked myself away from the world; the voice was too loud, too accusatory, too debilitating to live with. it’s been almost two weeks now and the fog has lifted. it feels like ‘me’ again. ideating the entire day and dreaming the hours away, receiving God’s insights and manifesting them into what reality can take in and make ‘real’. it’s been beautiful although...
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have I limited my horizons?

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 I went for my first walk in around a month and it was quite mesmerising. the word is surely preparing itself for spring in the most subtle ways— buds cocooned in cold, dry calyxes, birds circling around treetops and the weather reaching its climax in riveting winds, rains and snowfalls. they greyness is infinite, coalescing in a million shades, turning the experience of existence in one of eyes praying and longing for the sun. on my walk, I thought about labels and boxes. so much of adulthood is in putting confining definitions to our lives in a naive effort to describe who we are. I thought about how many times I have introduced myself to others lately— having to answer quite definitive questions about my path. who I am is usually equivalent to what I do and it’s no surprise why it daunts me to meet adults and have to prepare answers that authentically capture my essence. but you see, we were never meant to be labelled into boxes— personality structures, career prospects and idea...
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intentions of 2025: a foundational year.

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hello, 2025. I welcome you in my arms, receiving your brand new beginning where I can rewrite the story of my life path. here I am, a woman in so much need of something so terribly new so that I can forget everything about my past and start as someone new. yes, someone new. that is not a typo. there’s so much we need to change around here and I am onto it, make little baby steps as we slide into this year’s seasons. despite all that is there to change, I am grateful that the gift of visualising the year and crafting new intentions is not one of the things on my list. that could stay, along with creating vision boards for all of the beautiful dreams floating in the landscape of my heartful desires. I wish you could see my vision board. it involves a splash of watercolours, piano melodies, the dream of raising a kitten and starting my journey in gardening. also, a travelling spree to where there is a calling sea and perhaps, an umrah. my dreams are nascent, but their vibe are preparing m...
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Enrapturing Highlights of 2024.

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it’s the first time in so long that I decide not to do a detailed, comprehensive month-by-month reflection. to do that would feel like a soulful homicide, having to reminisce all the burdensome memories of last year. of course, in hindsight, so many beautiful things have happened, too. despite the hindrances, I’ve come through with beautiful achievements. it’s beautiful how it all connects backwards, only in hindsight. also, I am grateful that I have worked on all of my intentions which I had pinned down in this blog, and it is rather miraculous that the events somehow added up to allow them to take shape.  today, I just want to share all the positive, magical memories of this year because recently, I have become entranced by God’s mercy in this universe. chanting Al-Rahman Al-Raheem after each prayer, I found myself in tears, connecting to that core value in me that I have abandoned for some time which is how I love noticing mercifulness and the universe’s gifts. it was a ha...
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