being invisible.

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Last night, I was triggered by how my energy just seemed to touch everything I came across. There have been wildly beautiful occurrences: gifts, people asking for help in healing and witnessing the light of love transform everything it lands upon.

Upon sleeping, I felt afraid of this light that seems to be out of control. One cannot really predict the way God’s light ripples across unexplored terrains. This is how it has been lately, echoes of lands and hearts touched by this light have been reverberating back to me, and helplessly, I’m not sure what to do to contain it all.


I told myself that perhaps it would be time to be invisible and cast away this light for a while. It has happened to me before, perhaps when I was younger, I’d decide not to speak and not show my truest nature in fear of the love in my heart and it’s uncontrollable power.


But this when I had the most heartbreaking dream that woke me up with insides shaking in fear. Until now, my hands are shaky and I can’t seem to do anything well. At first, I thought it was a bad omen, that something terrible was going to happen today, but all is a gift.


God showed me how my life would be like without His light in me.


There I was, in a classroom filled with students, and I was not able to teach. My voice was frail and broken, my language incomprehensible, my learners distracted by the incoherence of the experience. Whatever I said, it didn’t reach their hearts. There were visitors in my class who asked me questions I couldn’t answer and all I felt was humiliated. The class ended and I went outside in brokenness, a bitter kind of brokenness of having betrayed my purpose.


This is how my life is without God’s guidance. Oh, how many times I’ve been through similar experiences, depending on myself, depending on my doings when all I had to do was submit myself completely to His light and his control.


For the past two years, I must say everything that had happened did not stem from something within me. It was all God’s light. I was never powerful, I was never the one to make people listen to me, I was never inspiring in that sense. I was just trying hard to prove it.. but then something different happened when I stopped. God filled the empty spaces with miracles.


How selfish of me to ask to be invisible when God’s light lives in me like this. All I am is but a vessel of divine will and love, and yes, I feel so small to contain it all. I feel that I do not have enough fingers to reach out for the fruits of His wisdom. But how am I to forget that I need not do anything.


It’s all a gift. I need not to worry about His light. I need not be invisible when I already am. I’m truly reduced to nothingness anyway.


I’m left with the way this dream has shattered me now just so that I can go about my day and watch God pick up all the pieces so that His love could touch them with so much intimacy.


This is a path to be broken by and for.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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