a daylight dream

the sweetness of June: an inscrutable, gentle flow of golden honey-like moments symbolising truths and coated with a geniality so filled with ease. it wasn't like I was used to; the truth behind certain incidents spiralling into my chest viciously, making it hurt for so long. this time, it was filled with softness, presence and so much time for contemplation and signs. it was in the end, a series of moments in serene timelessness. an empowering responsibility emerging in June was the mindset to take responsibility for my choices and my actions. it was a whirlpool of a year for me with so many events, responsibilities and ongoing projects that demanded my dedication and attention. it was a little hard for my heart to take responsibility for the consequences of my choices and at times, when things went wrong awhile, instead of mindfully taking time to contemplate and see the reasons, I would simply surrender to things not working out. in the space that time creates, this June, I arri

  I wake, your face a shoreline gold. the sun has risen to your closed eyes once more, a memory of melancholic truthfulness, given the eternity I spent traversing the maps of your distant gaze. there's this thing about us; a push and pull of titanic tides and dreams of watching moonlight glowing across horizons of our dreamscapes. I like that you're tailoring time just for me. just for this love to stretch its droplets of colour on the canvas of this aloneness we're sharing for some years. just you and me; a sacred touch, a gentle gaze, the intensity a propeller of all the sweetness in the hearts that have never known but to envision something different than what they're used to. I find it divinely honouring that there is nothing you come home to but this heart. you look into my eyes to find lost pieces of yourself; the brokenness shards of glass so invisible that it is only mine to see. in wordlessness, all we have is this space of unbroken gazes and all the unanswered

you’d think of me bidding you farewell just a bad dream. spinning around, your face pale and your eyes sunken in sorrow. a mountain of grief. the peak collapsing after the ascent. your lips shaking with heart songs you never had the courage to say, here they are fading away. a goodbye. a long, sweet sojourn at the memories before they’re folded in compartments of our smiling eyes. I ask you now if it was love. I ask my heart whether I only loved how you made me feel: the contrast between us, the compass in my gaze. I ask myself if I only loved how I looked in your eyes. I ask whether it was through the lens of healing that I could see you, for without it, you’re but a figment of a dream in girlhood that can wistfully pass. we have said the wrong things, perhaps. the same mistakes. I remember wanting to move on past you, and I remember you holding me back. was it my fear or yours, or was it us both ? the words are pain-laden. was I but a bright star you were infatuated by and could neve

I stand before you, tall and strong, golden eyes that saw the bewildering waves to my toes. I stand before you, the gears of my dreams, the propeller of my wheels. one look into your eyes and I’m leaping into those oceans of infinite first sights. I don’t know what to say to you. three times into my heart and I locked you out. the piercing hurt in your eyes sees mine, falling into the softest pillows of apologies. perhaps I was too afraid to surrender to these oceans of insurmountable passion. this unlimitedness in your soul. one step closer to love and I feel I might as well venture there to get a glimpse of it. is it a little too late to trust me again? or should I remind you of the warmth that arises from being in each other’s presence? the bubbling light streaming from ethereal knowing that you’re the compass. I remind you of all the dreams on display once you see my eyes. I remind you of that one soul you’d do everything for, in servitude, just for the grateful glimmer in my eyes.

this summer will be different. I feel it. yet, too, I feel the heartless hostility in me surging. that island of my heart that finds beauty in memories burning down, the past becoming its own forgetful figment, and a whole identity slipping through fingers that held on to it so tightly.   I love the fragrance of novel beginnings. their emptiness this time is opulent with what the phases and seasons have left me with. my chest scented with sweetgrass and wildflowers, consecrated, pressed into a fossil right into my signature. a season of a glorious, captivating love— and it has left me unchanged under its terms, forever. forsooth, this summer stirs with winds of maturity and paths of growth made clearer to envision. this airplane ride used to be as transient as its landing— but this time, its landing yields much more impact, much more tied to its aspiration and motive. and now, my smile coats the entire sky, all in thanks to airplanes that stretched its horizons.. what is there more to

  a few moments of meeting you— the weight of knowing I won’t be around for such a long long time crushes my insides. still, I’m laced in a smile. sitting on benches in the parks, ducklings floating by. and I always look at my reflection in the side-mirrors just to remind myself of how fleeting waiting is. in what feels like a whirl, I’ll be here again, at where airplanes glide stained by tears of pensive romance. may time be the tide you’re sailing. a flash of your face, the flush in my cheeks. the secrecy in your passion, the wordlessness of mine. you’ve built all these barricades and towers just for me. may time be the tides smoothing them to landscapes so serene. may time be the tide, a fountain. all the forms it dramatises. and may I be your crystalline surface, dear beloved. see through me, till then. till a dreamful  here .

tall, strong, your chains of trust and mystery locking the distance between you and me. you look away most of the time, but in those transient moments of your deep brown eyes into mine, I know it’s these inscrutable eyes I fell for. these inscrutable eyes I’d do anything for. but I don’t say it aloud. I play it with you awhile with the mountain ranges of my smile. I listen to you, intently, all your climbs. there is one thing I cannot deny— a lonesomeness you can’t satisfy but with my scared memory.  you’re a mastermind, just like me. it didn’t get to me when I saw all the little ways you’re cascading to capture my heart. I come slowly, my gaze down to my feet. will you fiercely be my one and only? my love is an ocean. perhaps I’d forgotten about how unsubtle it is. soft-spoken at first, daintily delicate, wordless— but then a tidal wave with the winds of new beginnings. one step into my heart, my beloved, you’d forget everything. all the pettiness of your yearnings melts into the worl

jupiter hangs its dreams on starry washing lines— I remind myself how you were bigger than the whole sky have you noticed the signs  did it take you by surprise? a clairvoyant sigh a fog obscuring your heart’s eyes grass so green and my summer’s fields a ripeness bewitches seasons of you and me and so dear, beloved i’m at where the airplanes leave  a silent gaze, an unkind embrace held back ‘tween the crevices of my ribcage the softest exhale. fragile, pale akin to my faith in our dreamscapes

  I demand so much of myself. it may seem daunting, but I always go back to how much I think I am worthy and deeply unworthy at the same time, of all God’s love and blessings. I demand to live up to my potential which is to leave this world infinitely transformed, not because of my own doing, but the power and courage my soul exerts into it. I have glimpsed the infinite in unconditional love, and it has held me accountable to a grand degree. now, I am being trusted to enacting unconditional love onto all the corners of my life. recently, I’ve been challenged into dauntlessly rowing into the stormy seas of broken families and their repercussions. to be truly and honestly in love with all the limits that God imposes on us to be set free.  I demand excellence for myself. I demand to move mountains. I demand to blissfully enjoy the blessings of this world, set free from the angst of attachments. I relentlessly dream till they become a part of me. have I been honest to my dreams? some time

spring journeys and their echoing goodbyes bewitch me as the flame tree blossoms turn into a pale flush. the morning hours are long and supple, befriended by a balmy breeze, fragrant in pink-shower tree blooms and clouds . oh so many clouds. a romantic disposition enshrouds my heart with this kind of picturesque atmosphere.  and now I breathe out— summer . it beams like sunlight through the clouds of this sky. filled with awe and streams of return, I feel like it’s the right time to dream it away in fluttering intentions. I’m grateful for a job that allows me that seasonal advantage. putting aside all my worries and upsetting thoughts, I can be a little child again. despite having lots to do and plan for, it can be done playfully, in between sporadic yet frequent walks midst crowning pines and melodious willows. here are my intentions, one by one.  aliveness: last summer was quite tormenting. an old self died, and the pain of it was too haunting that I could not enjoy all the aliveness

three years. wow. it seems a little bit more like a lifetime, especially this year. it is always so incredibly humbling to arrive at this stage when I’m reflecting upon it objectively, watching the experience drift in my memory. this year was a challenging one. let’s say that I failed all of my expectations and the intentions I had for my learners. or rather, I feel like I did although my learners feel it had been a wondrous one that transformed them completely. I feel like I could have done better for I feel that to strive for excellence is a reverent, honourable path. it feels like a long towards it. first of all, I’d like to describe the challenges I faced this year which changed my perspective on so many ideas one may have an opinion on. it feels like I’ve unlearned so much of my identity and blossomed into a new one. perhaps it is maturity and becoming more and more of an adult. I’m emerging into making peace with what I was resisting about the world and funding the beauty of it.

   a few moments before the night falls diving into a summer-like restfulness and the ease of surrendering to the harvests of these futile doings, I meet you in that sacred space emanating from within my heart. with the busyness of our days, I find myself longing to keep those temporary obstructions faded. all the preparations, one by one, paling just to see you. the true you— and nothing in between.   all I long for is the sweetness of your gaze, my dearest one. the warmth sunshine of it. the intention of your service. the depth of desire to be needed to serve the flowering of a soul so closely tied to yours. and now I see that to be this intimate with the love willed by fate, one needs to take this path and all its worldliness, to dissolve its opaqueness just so that God’s light can be seen through all of its weight, too. and dearest, my own opaqueness was also at stake. all the colours have dissolved and what’s left is a propensity for transparent lightness, just to see you. just to

there are layers upon layers on reflections to haunt these pages just to reiterate how magical May was. perhaps it would be difficult to find the right words to explore its essence, but let me try to do so as poetically incisive as these words would let me. a heart was bathed off illusions. stories I held so deeply entrenched in my mind, making narratives for my hurt. I found a pattern which reveals my shadows— the tendency to negatively narrate the events of my day, binding them to a catastrophic bigger picture. something goes wrong, I link it a fatal flaw in myself, then link it to another fatal flaw in others and then in the whole society and the whole universe, finding myself tangled with quantum mechanic theories justifying the imperfect parts of situations. I caught myself doing that a lot, and perhaps it was the reason behind my lurking melancholy and misery. with this realisation, I found that I was responsible to keep believing that things are happening for me, not to me. it w