a daylight dream

alas, it is the last day of one of the most challenging years of my life: 2023– a pyramidal year. I’m posting this as the fireworks blare across the frosty skies of a town I love with all my heart, my heart breaking in infinite gratitude for this pyramid and the climb it mercifully granted. it’s been pyramidal, that’s true. it took me to the ground to face the truths of my foundations, making me battle so much of my memories to finally be honest with myself and clip off all that I don’t need to move forwards with. that meant clipping off and dusting away my own father from my life and choosing to stay with people who I know love me dearly. it’s been traumatic, and I’m still recovering from the aftermath, but I’m on my own now, and this is my pyramid. this is my life. my memory is a little bit blurry now after all that has happened. I don’t remember much but the incessant pain, but I’ll do my best to reflect on the happenings of each month.  vehemently, all I return to is utter disbelie

  It was 2017. it was the late summer of 2017 that I heaved in this airplane, dreading my return. my whole body ached in desperation, every atom pleading me to stay right in that airport and never turn back. it was 2017 when I prayed for a miracle so vehemently that time stood still for a while, and it was nothing but God’s mercy that pushed me to where I am right now. it was God’s mercy that made me endure six years of fighting so hard to protect my heart.  it was only Him.. and now I’m here again, doing what I should have done so long ago. every breath out in this airplane is countered by a rainfall. I can’t stop myself from crying, from feeling this heart beat a little bit differently. it’s racing. pumping with something more than just blood.  freedom . alas, my freedom. it feels like an inevitable leap into the unknown. I’ve been having those incessant, wicked dreams of free falling into an abyss, a labyrinth of all my monstrous fears awaiting me. everyone has    been telling me th

there are only hours left, and the only thing I want to keep doing is stay invisible. stay in the gloaming silence of being out of reach. slipping away smoothly, making no sound, till one day I’m just not here. I keep telling my learners “ you won’t feel it when I leave ”. one day, they’ll be here again, and I’ll be gone.  my name will be a distant echo in the daylight sunshine. something to remember slightly. a remembrance that never lingers, I hope. I just wonder what could have happened if I had been more prominently alive in this world. just imagine how it would be if I could hear and feel every single heart tear apart at the thought of me leaving. how grateful I am that my presence had always been fleeting, almost incomprehensibly inexistent. with this subtle existence, it still hurts, tremendously so.  I’ve always dreaded goodbyes. it’s never been that difficult as it is now.  I’ve said goodbye to every single tree I love. every single cloud. why am I tearing is what I don’t know

the waterfalls of your unbroken gaze your love in some sacred space the glimpses of you that still stay in a heart that has found its place now would you tell me what it takes to fall into the death of days to be somewhere in this starry haze your river of light parting infinite ways waterfalls the length of your arms and the crimson shades in my face I sway dancing towards the flight  of falling into your tightest embrace what love is without your touch is my heart without a blackbird’s song a winter so pronounced  in the hopeless name of being strong and I’ve let out so many  oh s and I’ve let out so many tears won’t you let this raindrop reach its home of ocean beds so deep so dear is this rose blooming with thorns that scar in fields of snow and storms and wars and did you ever see light hanging silent in brutal dark akin to a waterfall of stars and a million reveries that live forevermore.

  it’s been a week of saying goodbye to everyone I love here in Egypt. there have been so many tears— my learners breaking down in front of me, their tears soaking their shirts. so many hugs, so many nights I cannot sleep well in. something divine keeps me going.  my heart has never been that strong, shielding itself from heartbreak. it has never wanted much to be free, pushing the world aside so that it fights for itself ever so warmly. this little voice in me feels safer than before, but is often terrified by the enormity of the consequences that may follow. all it needs is to be given some guarantee that it will be okay, no matter what happens. all these years, I thought pushing myself away in selflessness was the path to salvation, when it was in essence my life that needed a little validation.  it’s quite depressing. all of it. but you should see how my face gleamed as I felt some kind of ethereal comfort in climbing that mountain. it feels like I’ve always wanted to do it, but ne