a daylight dream

I was walking home after our run with my dad, the sunshine was warm and just right for a late-May morning. We engaged in a fruitful conversation about love and found ourselves asking:  is love enough? At once, I saw this visual in my head. A vision of a crystal ornament shattered into a thousand pieces on the ground and a mystical, invisible force rearranging all the pieces mid-air and bringing the ornament to its original, whole shape. We all know that once things are broken, there isn't any way to stick the pieces back together and at the same time have a shape that is free of cracks, gaps, and imperfections. There isn't a way back to wholeness once things get broken. There isn't a super-glue which can bring perfection back again to life, not once things are completely destroyed. But is that true for our hearts? I mean, they get broken all the time. We feel shattered, lost, fragmented many times a life, but in some magical way, some of us find themselves on t

This Ramadan was unprecedentedly different for us all, a month we had to spend exploring different modes of living, doing things at different times, filling our hours with activities we aren't used to. It was different for me, too, and there are things which I've adopted and learned that I'd like to take with me, beyond Ramadan, onto a new beginning. I started this month with crossed fingers. I had clear intentions and nothing but that to start my month. I depended on the universe for helping me out, since Ramadan is not always that beautiful and mystical for my family becayse we deal with loneliness, long days and pointless hours to get by with. With all the difficult news I was receiving, motivating myself day by day to do the best I could with what I had, there was no way out but through the present moment of today . Even when the day was too long, all I had to do was pick up my notes and learn, call my sister and my friends, engage in conversations and go the d

Yesterday, I finally received some news which I was waiting for restlessly since, without it, I would be so unsure of my future. Since it's my last year in university, it's a requirement for me to take my exams, and they were just being delayed and delayed and delayed. I thought for sure, I'd be over with it by mid-June, like any other year. I prayed and prayed and hoped and dreamed just to keep myself hopeful, to keep myself going. Yesterday was the day I knew that I'll be examined in July. The news weighed me down as soon as I heard it. My face turned pale and ghostly and I kept thinking about how painstakingly trialing it would be. To spend a month in Egypt? At home? Waiting? That's exactly what I was not born to do:  wait . For a moment I was going to isolate myself and lock my mind in the darkness of it all. But, I decided to be vulnerable with one of my dearest friends. We talked and rambled and found opportunities. I talked about my anxieties

There is a lonely place that I call my heart and it loves everything it sets its intention upon. This heart which endured years and years of fighting and surrendering, breaking and healing, experiencing magic, filling its gal with faith but then letting it go all again. There is a lonely place which I call my heart that loves you tonight. It thinks of you and wonders whether the future will have enough space for both of us. I look back at myself and question whether I'm a jewel in your eyes. I wonder if you'd look into my heart and fight the way through the obstacles life will throw in our way. I wonder if you'll feel my hands in yours and have faith that we will go through this together instead of far apart. This heart of mine is filled with question marks because it always wants to know, and once it does, it tries to find yet more questions to answer. Somehow, looking into your soul mystifies me with a deep mystery that I won't ever be intelligent enough

The past couple of days have been slow, mostly and imperfectly present, a redemption towards more stillness and peace. Less time on the Internet, more time spent decorating my study notes, more time spent praying, connecting with friends and staring at a blank page of a new chapter, writing down a few pages or one, or a sentence or not at all. It feels regenerative to accept my imperfection and deem it as wholesome. Today was also my last day of online work. I wasn't expecting to be let go until the end of May or even June, but under the light of the current circumstances, less is definitely more for many organisations. It felt searingly painful to acknowledge that I won't earn any money or do something valuable for others for a very long time, and it even got me to feeling a little bit anxious and not enough. But, a few deep breaths later, I knew I was enough. I was grateful for this opportunity hidden behind this setback and I felt my original sense of resilience, on

I woke up one morning before the sun; it was dark and quiet. The ordinary sounds of buses and cars have vanished into the unknown and the whole world is sleeping, but the morning is busy with fading starlight and spring bird-songs. I remember that nothing is the same anymore. I won't be rushing this morning to clean and prepare myself for the day. It's all new but utterly the same. I wake up and I ask myself: " what does your future look like? " I turn the question inward and let it reflect upon the mirrors of my mind, and so it beams with parallel answers that keep diffracting from one angle to another. I can think in terms of melancholic darkness all the way to ecstatic hope at the same time, but this morning, it feels more at home to feel  afraid . I'm afraid because I am not sure what the future looks like anymore. This intense state the world is experiencing is more of a battle of survival and a graveyard of buried hopes for so many and

            The say at the darkest points in life are when people feel like the light, maybe that’s what caused you to be the stars in my gloomy skies , the echoes I hear every time i allow myself to get lost in those memories we shared. Every time I allow myself to escape the cage you surrounded me with, I start questioning all that is present around me , the people , myself and even the cage. What if I am the one who put this punishment upon myself, as I am afraid that I will somehow loose this part of myself? I do know though    that you are an uncompromising part of my life, no matter how much I try to resist this fact, I would never find it untrue. Then what is this haziness and longing I experience for prolonged periods of time?       All these small milestones I remember accomplishing seems to shrink as I put all my effort In remembering what has happened and how you were like. All these pondering questions are kept inside of me, as I remain calm and collected on the

The first thing my eyes see is the dark canvas of a sky turning a glorious navy blue. The curtains are not drawn, the windows are open, and the chilly March morning breeze finds its way to the skin of my arms. I smile instantly and I hear your breaths, which reminds me to ask myself what day of the week it is. Because everyday is so different than the other, I've adopted this habit of taking the very few first seconds of my day reorienting myself for what the day should behold. And today is our weekend, dearest. A time to rewind, connect, celebrate and stay outside of these four walls. The very notion springs in my head and I wake with such a powerful burst of energy, stretching my arms with a wide smile, my heart beating ecstatically, praying for blessings, abundance and positivity for the day ahead of us. Since its spring, my weekend mornings are spent quite uniquely. Despite wanting to snuggle up near you, hearing you breathe and mumble absurd sounds in your sleep a

In just a few days, life has changed completely. It all started with a few news headlines, whose impact grew and grew, leading us to be staying at home, keeping a safe distance with the life we once knew. On a personal level, everything's fine. My family is safe, we don't have contact with many people. My sister stopped going to school but my mother, who is a doctor, is still working but taking extra care of her hygiene. I went to work for one day, but then got excused and will spend the rest of the quarantine period at home, practising sports, devouring my textbooks and finding ways to create value in my day. I feel confused, a little, because it's such a shift in routine. In a few hours, my plans of going to university, meeting friends and doing projects disappeared into thin dust. No more midterms. School is devoid of life, since the students aren't there and in just a few hours I'm supposed to restructure my life after it had been brimming with

12.03.2020 The wind is howling outside, the skies are drearily grey and it's immensely cloudy. The rain is torrentially pattering on the walls outside, and the earth is being flooded after hours and hours of this merciless downpour. And there is nothing to do. The power is cut and so is the water supply. All we can do is light up some candles and lay down on the couch, still and quiet, listening to the real world orchestrate its power, for once ignoring the virtual stream of happenings. On such days, I don't feel safe. Such storms remind me of painful memories; ones in which I have witnessed the loss of ones so dear. The rains remind me that something difficult is about to happen, perhaps the clearing before a significant transformation. Yet, that doesn't stop it from being formidable. I look at you as my chest clenches, smiling feebly, watching you fixate your gaze upon your fingers, crossed on the blanket. I wonder what you're thinking about. And