a daylight dream

 I am going to try and be seriously strict with my monthly reflections. I remember how years ago, this was one ritual that allowed me to feel grounded and centred, committed to growing every time-bound journey. I daresay that getting myself into the habit of being introspectively eager in witnessing my development would do wonders for the strength of my soul. October was quite challenging, honestly. September was much more fleeting and beautifully filled with milestones. I was tempted and put into trials a few times, which made me feel undeniably exhausted to get back on track. yet reflections such as those sprout gratitude in me, making me realise that there had been seedlings of intentions all along. autumnal wonders it is my first time ever to witness an autumn in Europe, which is heavenly. of course, the gloomy days are ever so dark and sombre, but they are also lovely in their way of making me rejoice in glory the moment the sun comes up and reveals the stark beauty of all tho...

back from a little wander in one of the most beautiful cities in the entire world, I reflect on how I relished the change, being out of my head. on that enrapturing trip, I realised one thing. being free has allowed me to experience being a child again. an actual child, not the starry-eyed phase. a child that contains so much misunderstanding, inability to communicate and self-centredness. it is not exactly something I like, for my mood turns too quickly for me to deem it safe to lead an actual ‘ordinary’ life. a year ago, I was an adult, navigating challenges in earnest, with such striking stoicism. now, the littlest change in plans may set me up to sabotage a day. I do not exactly know what is happening, but life on the other side is wildly different than what I thought life would be. there are far too many temptations which makes me pray for a day in my past life, where I had it all under control. there are too many variables, too many choices and the mere responsibility of taking c...

you bombard my dreams lately, revolving around me like you’ve lost your orbit. in every dream, I ask you stop. I drop your hand. I ask you to carve your way as you look at me, always washed towards the sea while I find my path on the earthen roads, surrounded by tokens that remind me of my earthly mission I wake up, my mind in disarray. forgetting you has lifted so much guilt and veils that have stopped me from living in the moment. remembering you for some time always makes me realise we were never meant for each other. because even in those dreams, I am pushing you away from having one last moment together. it hasn’t been seamless, finding my path in this stillness and quiet. the chaos that ignites my passion has no place in my horizon for some time. the serenity of the world before me pulls my heart into loneliness and emptied insides, longing for a thrill. but those longings soon change and transform themselves to a beckoning stillness that allows me to find my light. stay in your ...

these days, I am learning more about the purification of the human ‘self’, which is naturally inclined to attach itself to fleeting desires and infatuates itself with lessening qualities which demote its existence. today, I came across the reasons why listening to certain types of songs should be discouraged, as they allow us to become infatuated with our desires, channeling them to crave what is not accessible to us in the moment. upon reflection, I realised that my writing has done the very same thing, in some ways. some time ago, I used to write too much about my dreams of love, exercising my imaginative power, directing my creative energy somewhere instead of feeling it bubbling inside me aimlessly. reading those words now, I realise how wildly entrancing those imaginings were, and if anyone read them, they would be teleported into a world of desires being fulfilled, captivating the senses with too much to feel. I believe that taking it too far has even allowed this to happen, and ...

it’s been some time, I know. but I have been taking some moments off my life to simply dedicate my ‘self’ to betterment and expansion. it all started with a daily ritual of holding a book in my hands in the early, slowly unfolding autumn morning, progressing to meeting more people, exploring different places and doing much more on that disciplining to-do list of mine. it was quite beautiful and I enjoyed every single day of those few weeks. however, the days are getting hazardously shorter now and the long nights pull me to melancholic walks under the metropolitan street lights. I keep reflecting upon what it is I envision for myself, some kind of new goal to tread towards, but I find nothing tangible. I find nothing truly gratifying but being closer . you see, my compass these days is to take decision that will not make me feel regret in the long-term. despite being in a very rough personal situation, I chose to get married. there were a few moments where I believed I would spend my w...

my favourite part of the day was usually the morning, right at dawn, watching the sunrise grow in colour. now, it is the hardest part of my day, which I tend to almost always sleep through trying to escape it. my mornings make me anxious. I feel the weight of bearing the responsibility to live my day right when I still have so much to learn about being a free human being. my gratitude practise worries me with how much of the blessings of my life I do not give conscious thanks to. my prayers remind me that I do not remember God much often and forget to breathe in remembrance. I am reminded, every morning, of all the mistakes I must make in order to get through and learn. I feel the loneliness settle at times, the solitude of struggle petrifying me. too many choices to make: do I have my coffee? do I pray first? do I go for a run? do I work? those choices leave me overthinking and I find myself in bed, exhausted by the freedom which is meant to heal me. however, the most beautiful thing ...

how incredulous it was. how free I felt that last era in my life. despite the walls that surrounded me, I felt deep liberation from having no choice but to surrender to the limitations and beautify them. at times, I would wake up from my slumber and realise how deeply limited I was, that I had very little choices and was surrounded by hurdles in every horizon I gazed at to feel relief. those times, I mostly prayed for freedom . I now have freedom. and how limiting it truly is to experience it. I am free now, I can do anything I please. I have a beautiful, supportive environment that would never discourage or insult me if I blunder or get myself into mishaps. it felt rather intoxicating at first to be so free and breathe all that air in the world all by myself without the barricades that surrounded me. however, with time, I felt the true weight of having to choose every single day.   what a burden it is to be truly free. now, I am learning how to be free, the right way. I have made ...

back then, perhaps a year ago, life was truly beautiful. it is as if a bird created a kingdom out of its glorified cage, having utmost faith that this was all there was in the world. the blackbird that I am, my dawn was my only reality, and my frolicking was a substance of doing the only thing I ever learned to do: service and self-betterment. here and now, there are much more requirements to this life such as becoming deserving of a different kind of happiness. a newfound joy in being served by this life and enjoying its pleasures. I find that selfish and unnecessary. I wish to leave this world unscathed by attachment and so I float in all gatherings around blessings so wary of touching any of it.   is it living off fear, now? fear of being attached? fear of pruning myself into the temporary and forgetting the truth of this life? I have become quite afraid of what distracts one from the truer world of being. I simply observe the joys of others but find myself wandering in cloudy A...

I come back to the solace of living my own life, whatever that means. the last days of summer and leaf-laden grounds, their crunch, their thirst for human, jovial steps. I run now, in search of meaning, in search for something divine, only to find it in stillness and peace. those days in Egypt when one had to hide in the shadows of home until sundown taught me how beautiful stillness is. the boredom of it, even. I used to think that having so much to do during the day was an ideal to live for, but it turns that the more I have to do, the more I feel dissatisfied. the more silence there is between moments, curled up on my bed, listening to the sound of aliveness in me, that’s who I am and what a sweet feeling it is to be found. it is not my role here on this earth to be running around, making things happen. I’m meant to enjoy the beauty of time and the receivership of life each day this soul chooses to live. cocooning into the shell of the beauty I behold within me, I long for the peace...