why is it so different?

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back then, perhaps a year ago, life was truly beautiful. it is as if a bird created a kingdom out of its glorified cage, having utmost faith that this was all there was in the world. the blackbird that I am, my dawn was my only reality, and my frolicking was a substance of doing the only thing I ever learned to do: service and self-betterment.


here and now, there are much more requirements to this life such as becoming deserving of a different kind of happiness. a newfound joy in being served by this life and enjoying its pleasures. I find that selfish and unnecessary. I wish to leave this world unscathed by attachment and so I float in all gatherings around blessings so wary of touching any of it. 


is it living off fear, now? fear of being attached? fear of pruning myself into the temporary and forgetting the truth of this life?


I have become quite afraid of what distracts one from the truer world of being. I simply observe the joys of others but find myself wandering in cloudy August skies and blooms of marigold and lavender so abundant this season. I wish to find my place in this world but still remain unattached. it does make me feel like a stranger.


these days, I am being judged for being strange for I have never learned the courtesy of being with others that often. I have my awkwardness which is bemusing for those who find humanness an ordinary occurrence. with so much time spent in the skies of an otherworldly existence, I have forgotten the beauty of humanness and connection. all I truly desire is a connection to the divine and become merely forgotten by the world.


this was not an issue back then, but it is now. the walls of solace are caving in and it is no longer taken lightly. the more I remain in this silence, the more awkwardness is revealed. the gentleness of securely engaging in a thoughtful episode of reverie has been replaced with the toughness of having to remove myself from all what life is presenting me with.


they say that the rightful choice is to do what’s difficult. to challenge human desire. perhaps my desire is to stay in silence, and I ought to challenge myself to go against that grain. however, why is it that I am always in tears after such a challenge? why do I find myself so defensive and so scared of doing it again? it brings me such anxiety.


these days, I feel like a stranger. I have become estranged from my family. I am seen as “abnormal” and I have lost the willpower to keep explaining myself. and thus, I simply pretend to be busy, and make myself so, so that I am left alone, misjudged.


I do not know why people judge me so. why I am so misunderstood and unheard. is it that formidable to comprehend one’s longing for the truest, eternal home? why cannot everyone see how estranging the temporary truly is?


I find that what makes me most passionate is the experience of observing bits and pieces of the temporary that can be found in heaven. we will miss pain in heaven, they say. I try to enjoy it and let it become a gift of this lifetime. but when there’s a heavenly view, when there’s love, I hold on do those precious projections of the ethereal truth and bind myself to them as much as possible. 


it seems that the pain of temporariness is something of this lifetime. we will miss the change when we find our truth, someday. the changeless is peaceful indeed. the changeless is healing itself. it is heaven.


I hope to become changeless in this lifetime. closer to my truth. closer to Soul. closer to oneness. 


and never again return.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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