do I keep praying?

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desire is a treacherous thing. I’d weaned myself off it for some time— a very long time. everytime I found myself praying for something, I’d redirect them to pleas that God knows best what I truly need. I’d go silent and return to a stream of reveries.

it was not safe to want something. I had wanted so many things and I’d lose them almost instantaneously. it was rather bizarre for a little kid— it was safer not to even try.


but once life got just a little more safe, I tried again. I tried to desire a different life— friends, family, beautiful moments, work, a child. for some time now, I became ridiculously attached to observing what I receive from my prayers and it has been painstakingly difficult to watch.


I don’t know how to say this but why do my prayers get intertwined by suffering? why does everything beautiful come paired with a lesson? why do my desires eventually become a painful loss? is this how it's supposed to be? the dance of polarity portraying itself before my eyes? I know that this graceful orchestration is a miracle to witness but at the same time, my heart does not want to watch blessings become polluted my nafs, complaining, whining and ungrateful.


I think I might stop praying for my desires again. I wonder if it’s me, if I’m the problem. I wonder if I’m not meant to want anything from this worldly, temporary life. my heart tells me it might be my path, for all I want is to truly receive the gifts that God places ever so gracefully on my palms.


I am tired— I no longer want the suffering that enchains the imperfect temporariness of this lifetime. I feel that I don’t have the strength to look at the world through rose-coloured glasses. it’s safer on my fragile heart to simply not need anything to be happy. to stay content with less and less and less.


eventually it becomes more. the spirit grows. the eyes of the soul widen and glisten. something else, something so much greater appears in sight and it blurs all the sweet nothings of this lifetime.


I wonder if it’s okay to never want to ask for anything again. 

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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